Truth 36. Repairing broken trust
Sometimes trust is broken in a relationship. How do you repair broken trust? Unfortunately, there is no sure-fire solution. Consider one of the following strategies.
Let them vent
People want to be heard. Letting people vent and blow off their steam does not mean you agree with them. It just means you are listening. So, let a person who feels wronged tell his side of the story. You don’t have to agree; you just have to listen. Check to make sure you understand by summarizing what the other is saying. Ask the counterparty if you’ve got his side of the story straight.
You don’t have to agree; you just have to listen.
Apologize
If you did something you regret, say so. If you failed to do something you wish you’d done, say so. Make sure the other person hears your apology loud and clear. One of the best ways to apologize is to do something symbolic. Send a colleague a bouquet of flowers or a hand-written note (as opposed to dashing off an email) or give her a bottle of her favorite wine with a note saying, “I’m sorry about what happened.”
The problem is, many people think they don’t have anything to apologize for. In other words, they don’t feel they did anything wrong. In that case, apologize that there was a misunderstanding. I like all of the following sentences:
“I’m sorry that there has been so much confusion and anxiety around the issue of the new senior hire.”
“I’m sorry you did not get the email that was sent.”
“I’m sorry that this situation has caused you so much stress.”
Focus on the future
Saying you are sorry is often an uncomfortable act. Resist the urge to revisit the past in excruciating detail. Instead, focus on the future. What can you do to make sure that this misunderstanding does not happen again?
Do a relationship checkup
Don’t wait for misunderstanding to occur before you talk about how things are going. Do a relationship checkup before problems occur. Pop your head into this person’s office and simply ask, “How are things going concerning [the product development/the budget allocations/the hiring of new staff]? Is there anything that I should be working on to make sure that I am following through with our discussion about this? It is important to me that we work smoothly and I don’t disappoint you.”
Don’t wait for misunderstanding to occur before you talk about how things are going.
Go overboard
Ironically, it is often when trust is breached that you get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to do something so wonderful for a person that he will never forget it. Let’s say something happens that was not your fault but that shakes the trust in your professional relationship: Materials you sent arrived late and were ripped and smudged, unusable. You quickly send replacement materials, but you don’t stop there. You include a personalized gift for everyone involved. Sure, it can cost, but the other party’s trust is often restored, and your obvious over-the-top effort to make things right might even lead to more business that would not have occurred otherwise.