Truth 37. Saving face

According to negotiation expert Morton Deutsch, saving face is a negotiator’s most sacred possession.²⁴ Face is the value we put on our public image, reputation, and status in negotiations.

Part of using power responsibly is creating a way that both parties can come back to the negotiation table without fear of social censure or loss of self-esteem.

Negotiators often get so caught up in who’s-right and who’s-wrong determinations that they make it virtually impossible for people to return to the table with their dignity intact.

Moreover, people in the United States often do not appreciate how important face-saving concerns are for members of different cultures. For example, if a manager challenges a colleague in the presence of their boss, this may be perfectly appropriate in Western cultures but may cause shame in cultures that are more hierarchical, where deference to authority is valued.

Saving face works in two ways: helping others protect and maintain their dignity and managing your own esteem needs.

All of us care about how other people see us, and we have our own need for self-respect. However, the following situations will heighten people’s need to save face:

▪ When negotiations are conducted in a public setting

▪ When people are accountable to a group or a superior

▪ When people negotiate in teams (as opposed to negotiating as individuals)

▪ When there are status differences between negotiators

▪ When negotiators have naturally thin skin

You can measure negotiators’ face-saving needs by using a scale, called the Face Threat Sensitivity (FTS) scale.²⁵ If you want to see how thin your own skin is, respond to these statements: 1. I don’t respond well to direct criticism, 2. My feelings get hurt easily, 3. I am pretty thin-skinned.

People with high FTS scores have a lower threshold for detecting and responding to threats to their face (dignity). In other words, it does not take much to get them hot and bothered. Conversely, people with a low FTS have thicker skin; they don’t see situations as making them look foolish, and they are not easily threatened.

In buyer–seller negotiations, fewer win–win agreements are reached when the seller has thin skin (high FTS). Moreover, in employment negotiations, job candidates with high FTS (thin skin) are less likely to make win–win deals.

Here are some of my favorite face-saving strategies to use if you sense that the other party has thin skin (and, therefore, a need to save face):

▪ Apologize for something. (“I don’t like some of the things that came out of my mouth in our discussion today. I hope you can forgive me.”)

▪ Compliment the person. (“I think your ideas about the pricing program are particularly ingenious and refreshing.”)

▪ Say you care about the relationship. (“I know we are focusing on the business at hand, but I want to stop for one minute and do a relationship check and reiterate how important the relationship with you is to our company.”)

▪ Talk about how you have learned important things as a result of this process.

▪ Ask for feedback about how things are going on the relationship ledger. (“Look, Steve, I am new in my role here, and I would love some of your feedback at this point in the process.”)

▪ Point out the concessions you made. (“I am conceding to you on point X.”)

▪ Focus on the future, not the past. (People are often preoccupied with justifying their past behavior.) One of my favorite lines from the book Getting Disputes Resolved is, “We are not going to agree about the past, but we might agree about the future.”²⁶

▪ If the other party says, “This is my final offer,” don’t respond with, “I don’t believe you!” Instead, respond by saying, “I hear you, and I would like to respond to some particular points.”