Truth 26. Nobody cares if you don’t mean to be mean

Everyone has a story about at least one mean boss. Oddly, though, there isn’t a commensurate number of people who have stories about being bully bosses themselves. You know the type. You see them on the evening news magazine shows: the folks who brandish guns at work; who discriminate against a race, gender, or religion in their promotion practices and then brag about it; bosses who hang their employees “in effigy” for the rest of the department to ridicule. The brutality of that kind of behavior is just so plain to see—unmistakable and inarguable.

But the most common behaviors that beat down the human spirit aren’t so easy to catch and stop the first time. What is truly unacceptable? The first time the boss pitches a screaming fit? Or the thirtieth time? The insults flung in private behind closed doors? Or the public humiliation in the store full of customers? In the comfort and safety of emotional distance, it might be natural to think, “Well, that’s easy. No screaming fit is acceptable. I would never tolerate a barrage of personal insults, regardless of where it happened. I’d quit the first time it happened.” But when there’s rent to be paid and a family to feed, the first screaming fit is tolerated, as is the thirtieth, as is the one hundred thirtieth. And the insults in front of the customers? Oh! That was awful, but it’s over now. And the boss hasn’t mentioned it since. There wasn’t even an apology, so maybe there wasn’t anything to apologize for. You were just being sensitive.

But you’re the boss now. Do you think you might have become a mean boss somewhere along the line without realizing it? If you’ve been exposed to abusive treatment in your life, whether it was from an overly harsh parent or from an early supervisor who vented frustrations out on the youngest member of the company (you), you might have become desensitized to cruel behavior.

You’re really a nice person at heart. And it astounds you to think that people have become frightened of you. How could you have lost your sense of the difference between being a boss who gets things done by leading his people and a boss who gets things done by beating his people? Maybe it’s not about what you think about yourself, but what you actually do. The Workplace Bullying Institute put together a list of 25 most common behaviors in its 2003 Report on Abusive Workplaces. Here are just a few examples, in no particular order of importance or prevalence:

• Falsely accused someone of errors not actually made

• Stared, glared, was nonverbally intimidating, and clearly showing hostility

• Discounted a person’s thoughts or feelings in meetings

• Exhibited presumably uncontrollable mood swings in front of the group

• Stole credit for work done by others

• Used confidential information about a person to humiliate privately or publicly

• Assigned undesirable work as punishment

• Made undoable demand—workload, deadlines, duties—for a target employee

• Encouraged the person to quit or transfer rather than to face more mistreatment

• Yelled, screamed, threw tantrums in front of others to humiliate a person

• Made up rules on-the-fly

After looking at this list, can you honestly say that you lead your employees by elevating their self-esteem and what great things they’re capable of? Or do you drive them by leveraging their fear and shame?

You may be unpleasantly surprised to see more of yourself in this list than you’d like. And you may be shocked to see how far you’ve gone down the wrong road. Very few people begin their careers with the ambition of becoming a mean boss. But no one aspires to work for one. And no one deserves to, either.

You may not mean to be mean. And you can intentionally make the necessary behavior changes that will transform you into an inspiring leader who cares for the team’s well-being. And your people, in return, will support and encourage your efforts.