INDEX

Abuse, 207

Acknowledgment, 167

in Power Thank You, 181

transactions instead of, 157

Action step with crisis, 208

with dissonance, 86

with “Do you really believe that?,” 141

with Empathy Jolt, 131

with exhaling, 76

with feeling felt, 53–54

with fill-in-the-blanks, 175

with goals, 214

with “hmmm …,” 148–149

with Impossibility Question, 115

with interest, 63

with listening, 43–44

with Magic Paradox, 121–122

with narcissism, 199

with networking, 203

with “Oh F#@&” to “OK,” 35

with Power Thank You, 185

with promotion, 196

with Reverse Play, 137

with Side-by-Side, 169

with stipulation, 154

with taking it to no, 179

with team-building, 193

with toxic people, 108

with transformational questions, 162

with value feeling, 68

with VIPs, 220

with vulnerability, 93

Advanced Medical Optics, 27–28

Affinity, 165

Alzheimer’s, 18

Amazon, 217, 220

Americans with Disabilities Act, 151

Amygdala, 16–17

Amygdala hijack, 17, 18, 70, 73

Analogy, 129–130

Anderson, Walter, 217

Anger, 126, 145

Annual reviews, 195

Apology, 184

Appreciation, 181–183

Argument, 86

questions instead of, 166–167

Association of Corporate Growth, 216

Attack, 145

Awareness, 213–214

Bailey, F. Lee, 99–100

Bennis, Warren, 55–56, 86

Benson, Herbert, 74

Blaming, 122–124, 127

Borderline personality disorder, 98

Breathing, 32

Bullying, 99–102

Burke, James, 27

Business 2.0, 56–57

Buy-in, 7, 8–9

from Impossibility Question, 113

Coca-Cola, 176

Cold calls, 200

Cold War, 48

Collins, Jim, 56–57

Compassion, 208

Competitiveness, 190

Confidence, 193

The Confidence Course (Anderson), 217

Control, 179

Conversation deepeners, 165

Conversation-stopper, 167

Credibility, 201, 202–203

Crisis

action step in, 208

fill-in-the-blanks in, 206–207

frustration in, 207

“Oh F#@&” to “OK” for, 208

scenario, 204

usable insight with, 208

venting with, 205–206

yes in, 206

Criticism, 79–80

as conversation-stopper, 167

Cultural differences, 85–86

Customer service, 145–146

Debate, 73, 74

Deep listening, 55–56

Defensiveness, 50, 74–75, 127, 145

“hmmm …” instead of, 148

from lecturing, 164

in Power Apology, 184

from questions, 171

Defusing, 147–148

Dialogue, 144, 158

DiClemente, Carlo, 8

Disappointment, 137

Discomfort, 150–151, 154

Dissonance

action step with, 86

corporate, 83–84

examples of, 77–78, 79, 83–85

fill-in-the-blanks instead of, 171–172

identification of, 80–81

in marriage, 79

in networking, 202

perceptions causing, 80

unavoidable, 85–86

usable insight with, 86

Distress, 70–71

“Do you really believe that?,” 138, 192

action step with, 141

examples of, 139–141

usable insight with, 141

Dunn, Walter, 176

Edge, 19

Education, 39–40

Emotions, 39–40

exhaling through, 73

preparation for, 208

self-control with, 28–29

violence and, 207–208

words with, 31–32, 206

Empathogenic communication, 126

Empathy, 19, 117

Empathy Jolt

action step with, 131

examples of, 124–126, 127–129

for goals, 209–211

with habits, 212

usable insight with, 131

use of, 127–129, 192

on yourself, 130–131, 209–211

Encouragement, 142–144

Enthusiasm, 83–84, 85

Escalation, 144, 147–148

Evans, Lieutenant, 5, 6–7

Examples

of amygdala hijack, 18

of dissonance, 77–78, 79, 83–85

of “Do you really believe that?,” 139–141

of Empathy Jolt, 124–126, 127–129

of exhaling, 69–70, 71–74

of feeling felt, 45–47, 48, 49–50, 51–53

of Fill-in-the-Blanks, 170–171, 172–174

of “hmmm…. ,” 142–144, 145–146, 147, 148–149

of hostage negotiators, 4–7

of Impossibility Question, 112, 113, 114

of interest, 55–58, 59, 60–63

of listening, 36–38, 41–43

of Magic Paradox, 116–117, 118–119, 120–121

of mirror neuron gaps, 20–21

of “Oh F#@&” to “OK,” 30–31, 34–35

of parenting, 10–12

of Power Apology, 183

of Power Thank You, 180, 181–182

of public speaking, 21–23

of Reverse Play, 132–133, 134–136

of self-control, 27–28

of Side-by-Side, 163–164, 166–167, 168

of stipulation, 151–154

of taking it to no, 176, 177–179

of toxic people, 97–98, 99–100, 101–102, 107–108

of transformational questions, 155, 157–161

of value feeling, 66–67

of vulnerability, 87–89, 91–93

Exhaling

action step with, 76

through emotions, 73

examples of, 69–70, 71–74

in parenting, 75–76

usable insight with, 76

venting and, 73–74

Exhaustion, 73–74

Expectations, 201, 211

Eyes-to-the-sky, 161

Fear, 16–17, 203

Fearful aggression, 33

Feedback, 20–21, 65

Feedforward, 82

Feeling felt

action step with, 53–54

examples of, 45–47, 48, 49–50, 51–53

in networking, 201

for promotion, 195

usable insight with, 53

Ferrazi, Keith, 91–92, 95

Fight-or-flight response, 15, 74

Fill-in-the-blanks, 177

action step with, 175

in crisis, 206–207

examples of, 170–171, 172–174

instead of dissonance, 171–172

for problem-solving, 199

in team-building, 191–192

usable insight with, 175

for yourself, 173–174

Filters, 37–41, 43

First impressions, 37–41

Forgiveness, 91, 184–185

Friendships, 134–136

Frontal cortex, 16–17

Frustration, 156–157

in crisis, 207

Fuhrman, Mark, 99

Gardner, John, 57

Gatekeepers, 218–220

Gender, 39–40

Generation, 39–40

Gestures, 172

GGNEE model, 39–40

Goals

action step with, 214

Empathy Jolt for, 209–211

expectations with, 211

Impossibility Question with, 213

scenario, 209

steps for, 211–212

toxic people and, 212

usable insight with, 214

Goldsmith, Marshall, 82

Goleman, Daniel, 17

Good to Great (Collins), 57

Gorbachev, Mikhail, 48

Goulston, Emily, 183

Goulston, Lauren, 180–181

Grain silos, 193

Grudges, 135–136

after Power Apology, 185

Guests, 66–67

Habits, 212

Hard sell, 177

Hare, Robert, 104–105

Heisley, Mike, 216–217

Henry, Patrick, 62

Hibbard, Dave, 111

“Hmmm …”

action step with, 148–149

examples of, 142–144, 145–146, 147, 148–149

instead of defensiveness, 148

for problem-solving, 198–199

usable insight with, 148

Hollander, Edward, 103

Hostage negotiators emotions and, 28

example of, 4–7

shared activities for, 164

Hostility, 148

Humility, 86

in Power Apology, 185

Hyperbole, 139, 141

Ignorant blamers, 123–124, 130–131

Impossibility Question

action step with, 115

buy-in from, 113

examples of, 112, 113, 114

with goals, 213

in personal life, 115

usable insight with, 115

Interest

action step with, 63

examples of, 55–58, 59, 60–63

questions showing, 60–63

usable insight with, 63

Internet, 217–218

Interview

questions in, 155–156

stipulation in, 151–152

Kicking but, 111

Kissing up, 195

Kramer, Detective, 5–6, 12

Lawyers, 150

The Leadership Institute, 55–56

Lecturing, 164

Lieberman, Matthew, 31

Listening, 39

action step with, 43–44

deep, 55–56

examples of, 36–38, 41–43

in public speaking, 21–23

usable insight with, 43

The Lord is my shepherd experience, 207

Loyalty, 182, 189

Macaque monkeys, 1–19

Magic Paradox

action step with, 121–122

examples of, 116–117, 118–119, 120–121

trust from, 119–121

usable insight with, 121

Mammal brain, 15–16, 205–207

Managing by walking around (MBWA), 165

Marriage, 79

Mazzo, Jim, 27–28

MBWA. See Managing by walking around

Mentor, 174, 195–196

Middleton, Rick, 38–39

Miller, William R., 8

Mirroring, 19–23

with gratitude, 202

of vulnerability, 90–91

mirror neuron gaps, 57, 65, 90

with appreciation, 182

example of, 20–21

of gatekeepers, 218

satisfaction of, 157

Mirror neurons, 19, 150–151

Misner, Ivan, 200–201

Missile silos, 193

Mistakes, 50, 174, 177

Monolog, inner, 161

Motivation, 191–192

Motivational Interviewing (Miller and Rollnick), 8

Muskie, Edward, 34

“My Golden Rule” (Collins), 56–57

Narcissism

action step with, 199

prioritization with, 198, 199

scenario, 197

stipulation with, 199

in toxic people, 103–104, 137

usable insight with, 199

Nationality, 39–40

Neediness, 95–98

Networking

action step with, 203

dissonance in, 202

fear of, 203

feeling felt in, 201

Power Apology in, 202

Power Thank You in, 202

prioritization in, 203

scenario, 200

toxic people in, 203

transformational questions in, 201–202

usable insight with, 203

value feeling in, 202

VCP Process^® for, 200–202

“The Neurology of Self-Awareness” (Ramachandran), 19

Never Again Tool, 173–174

with habits, 212–213

No, taking it to

action step with, 179

examples of, 176, 177–179

usable insight with, 179

Object constancy, 207

“Oh F#@&” to “OK”

action step with, 35

for crisis, 208

examples of, 30–31, 34–35

for promotion, 195

speed drill, 32

usable insight with, 35

Paranoid delusions, 20–21

Parenting, 10–12, 75–76

Passion, 83–84, 85

Patience, 203, 212

PEP CEO Challenge, 83–85

for teams, 190–191

Pepsi, 176

Perception, 40–41

as dissonance cause, 80

Persuasion Cycle, 7–9

Pharmaceutical representative, 159–161

Physicians, 159–161

Positive phrasing, 173

Powell, Colin, 34–35

Power Apology

defensiveness in, 184

example of, 183

grudges after, 185

humility in, 185

in networking, 202

trust and, 183–184, 185

Powerlessness, 79–80

Power Thank You, 183

acknowledgment in, 181

action step with, 185

examples of, 180, 181–182

in networking, 202

in team-building, 191

transacting instead of, 181

usable insight with, 185

Prefrontal cortex, 32

Pride, 83–84, 85

Primate brain, 15–16

Prioritization

with narcissism, 198, 199

in networking, 203

Privacy, 48–49

Problem person, 43–44

Problem-solving, 147

fill-in-the-blanks for, 199

“hmmm …” for, 198–199

Productivity, 169

Profitability, 201, 203

Promotion

action step with, 196

feeling felt for, 195

“Oh F#@&” to “OK” for, 195

scenario, 194

Side-by-Side for, 194

transformational questions for, 195

usable insight with, 196

Proschaska, James, 8

Psychopaths, 104–106

Public speaking

example of, 21–23

listening in, 21–23

transitioning in, 153–154

Questions, 165. See also Impossibility Question; Transformational questions

defensiveness from, 171

direct, 171

instead of argument, 166–167

in interview, 155–156

to show interest, 60–63

for VIPs, 216

Ramachandran, V. S., 19

Reaction phase, 30, 32

Reagan, Ronald, 48

Realism, 211

Reasonableness, 211

Recenter phase, 30, 32

Reengage phase, 31, 33

Referrals, 202

Reflection, 161–162

Refocus phase, 31, 33

Reframing, 174

Regberg, Scott, 138–139

Regberg & Associates, 138

Rehabilitation, 184

Reinforcement, 173

Relationship deepener, 145

Relaxation, 73–74

during stipulation, 153

Relaxation response, 74

Release phase, 30, 32

Remorse, 184

Repetition, 205–206

Reptile brain, 15–16, 205–206

Resistance, 4, 144

Respect, 167

Restitution, 184

Reverse Play

action step with, 137

as diagnostic test, 136–137

examples of, 132–133, 134–136

with habits, 212

usable insight with, 137

Rollnick, Stephen, 8

Sabotage, 190

Scenario

crisis, 204

goals, 209

narcissism, 197

networking, 200

promotion, 194

separation, 215

team-building, 189, 191–193

Self-assurance, 63

Self-control, 30

with emotions, 28–29

example of, 27–28

Self-defeating behavior, 173

Self-motivation, 191

Separation, 215

Shared activities, 164

Shared values, 190

Shared vision, 190

Side-by-Side, 165

action step with, 169

examples of, 163–164, 166–167, 168

for promotion, 194

usable insight with, 169

Silos, 189–190, 194

Six-Step Pause, 213–214

Skepticism, 152

Slackers, 132–134

Socrates, 165

Socratic Method, 165

Speed, 29–31

Stemberg, Tom, 62–63

Stevenson, Adlai, 193

Stipulation, 192–193

action step with, 154

to avoid discomfort, 150–151

examples of, 151–154

with narcissism, 199

relaxation during, 153

usable insight with, 154

Stress, 29–31. See also Distress

Stress hormones, 75

Stuttering, 151

Subordinates, 194

Supportiveness, 108

Suppressing, 70, 76

Syncing, 25

Takers, 102–103

Team-building, 190

action step with, 193

fill-in-the-blanks in, 191–192

Power Thank You in, 191

scenario, 189, 191–193

transformational questions in, 191–192

usable insight with, 193

Teenagers, 75–76

Telling, 165

Threats, 16–17

Three-part brain, 15–16, 205–207

Toxic people, 94

action step with, 108

bullies, 99–102

examples of, 97–98, 99–100, 101–102, 107–108

goals and, 212

narcissism in, 103–104, 137

needy, 95–98

in networking, 203

psychopaths, 104–106

self-diagnosis, 106–108

takers, 102–103

usable insight with, 108

Transactions, 155–156, 158–161

acknowledgment instead of, 157

Power Thank You instead of, 181

Transformational questions, 156

action step with, 162

examples of, 155, 157–161

in networking, 201–202

for promotion, 195

in team-building, 191–192

usable insight with, 161–162

Transitioning, 153–154

Transtheoretical Model of Change (Prochaska and DiClemente), 8

Trust

with expectations, 201

with giving credit, 182

from Magic Paradox, 119–121

Power Apology and, 183–184, 185

violation of, 166

Tylenol, 27

Urgency, 206

Usable insight

with crisis, 208

with dissonance, 86

with “Do you really believe that?,” 141

with Empathy Jolt, 131

with exhaling, 76

with feeling felt, 53

with fill-in-the-blanks, 175

with goals, 214

with “hmmm …,” 148

with Impossibility Question, 115

with interest, 63

with listening, 43

with Magic Paradox, 121

with narcissism, 199

with networking, 203

with “Oh F#@&” to “OK,” 35

with Power Thank You, 185

with promotion, 196

with Reverse Play, 137

with Side-by-Side, 169

with stipulation, 154

with taking it to no, 179

with team-building, 193

with toxic people, 108

with transformational questions, 161–162

with value feeling, 68

with VIPs, 220

with vulnerability, 93

Value, feeling of, 64–65, 191, 192

action step with, 68

examples of, 66–67

in networking, 202

usable insight with, 68

venting with, 65–66

VCP Process^®, 200–201

Venting

in crisis, 205–206

exhaling after, 73–74

value feeling with, 65–66

Very Important People. See VIPs (Very Important People)

The View, 113

Violence, 204–205

emotions and, 207–208

VIPs (Very Important People)

action step with, 220

gatekeepers to, 218–220

Internet and, 217–218

questions for, 216

usable insight with, 220

Visibility, 200–202

Vulnerability action step with, 93

assertive, 90, 93

examples of, 87–89, 91–93

mirroring of, 90–91

usable insight with, 93

Weaknesses, 150–151

What Got You Here Won’t Get You There (Goldsmith), 82–83

Williams, Mr., 71–72

Yes

cascade of, 117–119

in crisis, 206