“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

—Maya Angelou

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Ooops!! You've been called out for a microaggression—a more often than not unintended insult or slight that expresses a prejudiced attitude or stereotypical belief toward a member of a marginalized group. This is difficult to self-identify because we are unaware that it's happening. Sometimes they happen without having to utter a word. Consider whether you've clutched your purse, wallet, or briefcase tighter because a Black man joined you in an elevator or you quickly shift from a watchful eye to closely following Latino customers around your store or you consistently choose not to sit next to a person of color at conferences or events. Verbal microaggressions are usually intended to be complementary. The intent isn't what matters; it's the impact. Telling a Black co-worker “You speak so well” suggests that you expect them not to be as articulate as White colleagues. Asserting as a White woman to a woman of color “I know exactly what you're going through” signifies that her gender oppression is no different than the other woman's race and gender oppression. Then there are those microaggressions that reveal your biased assumptions. Asking the Hispanic executive at a conference to refill your water glass implies that people of color are servants to White people and couldn't possibly occupy high status positions. Expressing surprise when your tall African American colleague didn't attend college on a basketball scholarship but an academic one suggests that people of color are not as intelligent as White people. These seemingly harmless insults have a cumulative effect and are coined by psychologists as “death by a thousand cuts.” A post by Psychology Today found clear evidence that daily experiences of racial microaggressions harm the psychological and physical well-being of minorities. Further, data indicate that racial microaggressions are linked to low self-esteem, increased stress levels, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. While death by a thousand cuts is an accurate assessment, I have to add that some cuts go deep and may feel more like a stab. I recall an instance where I shared with a White colleague that I was considering moving from the city to a particular suburb. As it turns out, it was the town where he was currently residing. I was expecting a response something like “How nice. We will be neighbors.” Instead, his response was “Oh yeah, I've seen a few Black people around lately. I wonder how they can afford it.”

When a co-worker pulls you aside, shares how your actions made them feel, and asks what you meant by your act or comment, how do you respond? Instinctually, you may become defensive or attempt to explain it away. After all, you don't know what a microaggression is, have never heard the word, and would never in a million years intentionally offend someone. In oblivion, you're shocked that it's been called to your attention. Interrupt that common reaction. It's useless. The fact is that someone was offended, invalidated, dismissed, or otherwise harmed by what you said or did. When we realize that we've hurt someone, as unintentional as it may have been, the common response is to apologize if you value the relationship. Reflect on the last time you accidentally hurt a close friend or loved one. My money says that you immediately apologized and wanted to know what to do to make it right. When you value the relationship with co-workers, the reaction should be no different. Productive conversations happen only when the offender responds to the feedback respectfully, empathetically, and with a willingness to learn. Your co-worker is gifting you an opportunity of personal self-reflection and valuable insight on why your act was hurtful. As with any gift, it's yours to keep or not. Choose to keep it, and it's a gift that keeps on giving through improved interactions and a better working relationship going forward. Genuinely listen, ask clarifying questions, reflect, and take responsibility. Don't forget to apologize. The key to success is being humble enough to listen to the impacted person and understand their perspective. Every journey begins with the first step, and this first step may be uncomfortable as you demonstrate that you've learned something from the experience.

When Sally first joined the team, Jamal was excited to work with her. He admired her analytical skills and can-do attitude, which complemented his big picture thinking. Sally lives in Texas and works remotely. Jamal has been a Chicagoan his entire life and is based at company headquarters. Struggles soon began with her southern hospitality style of communicating. He resented her every time she called him “sweetie” or said “cotton picking” when she disapproved of something. Her contrasting world views often seeped into conversation along with her quest for knowledge on how to be politically correct with Black people. He had to give her credit. At least she was trying to understand, which was more than he could say about other co-workers. He often wondered whether he was the only Black person she knew. Jamal believed that she was genuinely unaware of how she came across and how uncomfortable she was making him. He doubted that she meant any harm and felt that she was a nice person. So, he continued to give her grace and kept quiet about his angst for months hoping things would improve. It didn't. It got so bad that he dreaded their weekly calls and found himself stressed for days leading up to their meetings. As an intervention, he decided to start communicating with her more via email and Slack to get the work done and avoided her “I have a quick question” calls. The effort it took to avoid her was just as frustrating as collaborating with her directly. Feeling hopeless, he decided to have a talk with her. Concerned of the potential that the conversation would not go as he hoped, he began by sharing how much he valued her skills and respected her efforts to get to know him as a person. He continued with how calling him “sweetie” made him feel disrespected and that “cotton picking” was offensive as it wreaked of the slavery of his ancestors. To his surprise, Sally immediately apologized and thanked him for the feedback. She agreed to choose her words more wisely in the future, avoid inserting her personal views into conversations, and invited Jamal to let her know the next time she “put foot in mouth.”

Microaggressions can be committed by anyone. They point out differences and magnify them to the extent that the recipient is left with a barrage of negative feelings that eventually have to be reconciled in one way or another. Don't underestimate the impact; work to understand it. As champions of inclusion, we work through and learn from mistakes as well as listen to co-workers until they feel understood.

Actions

Action Accelerators

• YouTube: Episode 7 – Microaggressions, Diverse City: www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXOlVKmBWgg
• HBR.org: “You've Been Called Out for a Microaggression. What Do You Do?” by Rebecca Knight: hbr.org/2020/07/youve-been-called-out-for-a-microaggression-what-do-you-do
• Book: 35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say: Surprising Things We Say That Widen the Diversity Gap, by Maura Cullen
• Podcast: “Episode 34, Let's Talk…. Microaggressions,” Cornell University's Inclusive Excellence Podcast: soundcloud.com/iepodcast/episode-34
• ScientificAmerican.com: “Microaggressions: Death by a Thousand Cuts,” by Dr. Derald Wing Sue: www.scientificamerican.com/article/microaggressions-death-by-a-thousand-cuts

Sources Cited