ACTIVITY 38
Reconsider the Golden Rule

“Cultural integration doesn't happen by you boasting about your culture; it happens by you coming forward enthusiastically to learn about another culture.”

—Abhijit Naskar

***

Most everyone is familiar with the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (Luke 6:31). To put it another way by most non-Christians, “Treat people the way you want to be treated.” The message is consistent across many cultures and religions including Buddhism (“Treat not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful” [Udana-Varga 5,1]) and Islam (“Do not let hatred of others lead you away from justice, but adhere to justice, for that is closer to awareness of God” [Qur'an 5:8]). In both religious and secular realms, it's considered sage advice that many can agree with. We may have been taught this adage at an early age when our parents spoke of the importance of being a friend in order to make a friend or when we called our siblings selfish for not sharing as we have shared. The lessons learned along the way contributed to our sense of fairness. Today, they are words that we continue to live by as adults. By the time we enter the workplace, we are certain of how we want to be treated and strive to treat others with the same respect. It seems like the perfect default when it comes to building inclusive and equitable workplace cultures. We simply treat everyone in accordance with our preferences in hopes that they'll reciprocate in kind. The practice requires little to no thought, and it seems fair. We say to ourselves, “I don't mind being addressed as guys” even though I am a woman. So, it's okay when I address other women the same way; or “I enjoy a good joke to break the monotony of work, so I'll share the one I just heard about the Black man at the bar.” While the actions seem innocent on the surface with no ill-intent, we haven't paused to consider how others may feel or react. All women don't want to be addressed with “Hey, guys,” and everyone won't find the joke about a Black man in a bar humorous, especially if it's perceived as racist. Our assumptions make it difficult to understand when we unintentionally offend someone when we apply the golden rule. The premise has major flaws as we interact with individuals from different cultures, backgrounds, and experiences than our own. In fact, some norms that are perfectly acceptable in one culture may be offensive or harmful in others. White women may feel admired when a colleague complements their hairstyle and gives it a soft touch, while Black women may feel violated by the intrusion to personal space, especially when done by non-Black colleagues. Members of the dominant culture may feel praised when told that they are very articulate, while Black people may feel invalidated by the comment. It's plausible that the failure of White people and people of color to understand one another's perspective is perpetuated by the golden rule. As an individual from a specific culture, background, lived experience, and personal set of standards, we can know only how we want to be treated based on that construct. This is why cultural competence is so important as well as understanding that any principle will have its limitations when we try to apply it across the board to all co-workers and business scenarios all the time. People become disillusioned into thinking that just because something feels good, sounds good, and is accepted by them personally, that it must be universal. Assuming all co-workers should be treated in the same way that we ourselves want to be treated imposes our personal preferences and values on those with whom we interact.

Abandoning the golden rule for the more useful platinum rule serves as a much better foundation for creating more inclusive interactions. I was first introduced to the platinum rule, “Treat others the way they would like to be treated” more than two decades ago when I read the book The Platinum Rule: Do Unto Others as They'd Like Done Unto Them, by Tony Alessandra and Michael J. O'Connor. Later, in the book The Art of People by Dave Kerpen, I gained a new perspective about the golden rule, which in short was that what I want does not mean that it is also what others want. Discovering what others want and how they want to be treated means making it our business to find out through building trusting relationships, reading body language, asking questions, and observing our surroundings. We must make space for co-workers to communicate how they want to be treated. Inclusive behaviors demand a learning mindset and openness to understanding the unique experiences of others. Champions of inclusion acknowledge that everyone is different and has unique preferences. We endeavor to create meaningful connections to better understand how others want to be respected and valued.

Actions

Create a Baseline

Consider which personal preferences may be widely acceptable to begin practicing treating people the way they want to be treated. Create a “how I like to be treated list” of at least 40 ways you like to be treated in the workplace, i.e., “I like people to look me in the eye when we talk.” Examine whether these preferences are based on your culture, values, and upbringing and which may be common to other cultures or are simply basic human needs. Use these as a baseline and avoid all others until you get to know individual preferences.

Honor the Signals

I stated in a previous chapter that actions speak louder than words, and body language speaks volumes. When learning the unique preferences of others, focus on body language and other reactions that signal discomfort or misalignment with your personal preferences. This may come across as being soft spoken versus your norm of speaking loudly, inferences to get to the point, or maintaining a comfortable distance. I once had a boss who had a habit of hugging. When I stepped back and extended a handshake, she became offended and never let me forget it. I was offended as well, and my level of comfort was never considered. Be cognizant that behaviors don't apply across cultures. Review Activity 5, “Experience Other Cultures,” for guidance on building cultural competence.

Re-evaluate an Encounter Gone Wrong

No one is perfect. We are all guilty of miscommunications, misunderstandings, and misinterpretations. Reflect on the last time you found yourself struggling to understand and be understood. Sort out the dynamic of the encounter by answering the following questions:

  • Was your interaction focused more on your needs or that of the other individual?
  • In what ways was the other individual different from you?
  • How were you considerate and responsive to the other's needs, feelings, capabilities, etc.?
  • How were your actions received?
  • If you had a chance to do it again, what would you do differently?

Action Accelerators

Sources Cited

  1. Bessel.org. www.bessel.org/golden.htm
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