Establishing a Good Rapport With Your Counterpart Is Vital for the Successful Negotiator

It is true that there is little room for sentiment in modern business negotiations. The pressure on the relationship between the parties stems from what is at stake not only economically but also on a personal level. Negotiators must be particularly careful not to allow their decisions to be influenced by how they may feel about someone with whom they are negotiating. At some major corporations, buyers are subject to frequent job transfers. This is mainly to avoid creating a climate that could reduce the pressure on the seller. Nevertheless, decisions are by no means always as rational as you might think.

Clearly, attracting sympathy is not enough to bring success in business negotiations, but arousing antipathy or irritation is often a more than adequate means of ensuring failure. In other words, in negotiations, the ability to handle relationship difficulties is often as crucial as the capacity to resolve fundamental problems.

Indeed, business negotiations bring a range of psychological factors into play: rivalry, power relationships, desire for recognition, fear of personal inadequacy, and so on. It is therefore clear to all experienced negotiators that establishing a good rapport with your counterpart is a key factor in successful negotiation: You need to win over your “enemy” so that she then becomes a partner.

How can you establish the right rapport? The many studies carried out on this subject reveal that there are three crucial factors in arousing sympathetic feelings:

• Physical appearance
• Similarity
• Massaging of the ego

The results of this scientific research have been described in detail by Prof. Robert B. Cialdini in his best-seller Influence and taken further by Nicolas Caron in Selling to Difficult Customers.

We shall take a quick look at the first two issues (physical appearance and similarity) before looking in greater detail at the tricky issue of massaging someone else’s ego.

An Obvious First Step: Good Grooming Is Essential

Various research projects have established that, regardless of the sex of the people concerned, physical attractiveness is a key factor in trust: Good-looking people will find that others spontaneously assume that they are intelligent, kind, and honest. The results of experimental research are also astounding in what they reveal about the considerable (and quite unconscious) influence of people’s physical appearance over the decisions of others.

For example, it has been proven that, all else being equal, someone with an attractive physical appearance, on average, obtained 2.5 times more votes in elections than someone to whom nature had been less kind,¹ and they were half as likely to be imprisoned by a court for an equivalent offense.²

These conclusions are confirmed by further research that has established a connection between physical appearance and recruitment decisions—and even pay increases. Why should it be any different in business negotiations?

Fortunately you do not need to be Miss World or Mr. Universe to become a good negotiator. You can simply take care of your general appearance and pay some attention to certain details: You can’t choose your face, but you can choose your expression.

Are men and women sensitive to the same factors? The experiments carried out by researchers suggest that they are not. When assessing someone’s physical appearance, women are influenced first and foremost by the quality of their clothes. When they meet a man, they are also sensitive to the impression of self-confidence that he exudes through his physical characteristics (wide shoulders, square jaw, high cheekbones, etc.) but also through his behavior (a smile and a steady, direct gaze).

Men are mainly sensitive to a smile. When faced with a woman, they are also attracted to characteristics generally associated with good health (dynamism, slim figure, shiny hair, etc.).

However, for both men and women, particularly when faced with someone of the same sex, an even more important factor in arousing sympathy is the feeling that we are talking to someone who is like us.

Show the Other Person That You Have Things in Common

It has been proven that the probability of a customer signing an insurance policy strongly correlates to similarities between that customer and the salesperson with regard to age, religion, political tendencies, and even whether or not they smoke. Other experiments have shown the importance of similarity of dress, geographical origins, and even names: The return rate of direct mail is doubled if on each letter the signatory is given a forename and surname almost identical to those of the addressee.

You can therefore appreciate the difficulty of conducting fruitful negotiations with people who are fundamentally different from us. This is even more pronounced at the international level, where differences are such that even mutual comprehension can sometimes be difficult.

Obviously you cannot undergo a physical transformation so that you resemble each person with whom you do business (as the eponymous Zelig does in Woody Allen’s brilliant film). However, you can use three key tools.

Adapt Your Vocabulary

Adapting to the other person’s vocabulary is a prerequisite to facilitating communication and creating a sympathetic atmosphere. If your counterpart refers to her company’s “production unit” and you call it their “plant,” if she talks about their “department” and you call it their “section,” if she discusses their “guidelines” and you insist on calling them “instructions,” if she uses the word “commerce” and you reply using the word “business,” you are subconsciously reminding her how different you are from her.

Cultivate Common Ground

Even when dealing with someone you have never met before, prior to addressing the crucial issue of price negotiations you have the opportunity to listen, to observe, and to ask questions. Quickly identifying one or two items, even of anecdotal common ground, is the best way of ensuring that your first encounter is a positive one, whether it is taking place in a negotiating room, at a cocktail party, or at a charity ball.

In business, common ground may take many different forms:

• You were born or lived, even briefly, in the same town, region, or country.
• You have a similar educational background.
• You have done the same job, been employed by the same company, or worked in the same business sector.
• You have a common acquaintance.
• You share at least one hobby or interest.
• You share a taste for a particular type of food or drink.
• Your family status is similar (single, large family, stepfamily, children of the same age, etc.), and therefore you share the same concerns.
• You have the same make of car, computer, mobile phone, or watch.
• You enjoy the same type of music, books, films, or vacations.

From among the items of common ground, the ideal solution is to identify which ones really matter to your counterpart. However, it is good to identify any common ground, whatever it may be.

When you discover that you have something in common, do not make too big a fuss, unless it really is amazing. You could do the following:

• Ask a question that will allow you to exploit what you have in common and to identify other similarities: “So you started off at IBM too? Who did you work with there?” (Merely naming some of the key figures cited by the other person will arouse feelings and admiration for you.)
• Use a verbal allusion to implicitly highlight your common ground: for example, saying “Salut!” when meeting someone who, like you, once worked in Paris.

Later, when you are negotiating, you will be able to refer to a shared experience in order to boost your case: “Mrs. Peake, you know as well as I do that at IBM, for example, where we have both worked, they pay just as much attention to costs, but they also know quality when they see it!” Alternatively, you can play down a difference: “Mrs. Peake, like you, I used to think that there was nothing trickier than talking to my teenage son, but you really are putting me through the mill here!”

Synchronize Your Nonverbal Communications

Feelings of similarity, harmony, and ultimately sympathy are largely explained by subconscious influences. Among these, synchronizing your nonverbal communications is of particular importance. As various studies carried out by neurolinguistic programming (NLP) specialists have revealed, such synchronization is established automatically between two or more people when they “get along” perfectly: Around the same table, those people adopt the same tone, the same body language, and the same gestures so that the communication flows easily. This synchronization is completely unconscious: Between those people it establishes what specialists call a “connection.” Above all, though, it has been shown that the act of willingly and consciously initiating such synchronization (by modeling your tone, posture, and gestures on those of your counterpart) allows you to facilitate and accelerate that “connection”! Consider the following:

• If your counterpart speaks slowly, slow down your own speech. If he speaks quickly, speed up your usual pace a bit.
• If he speaks quietly, do not drown him out with your booming voice. If he expresses himself cheerfully, directly, and energetically, show him that you have a similar temperament.
• If your counterpart is rather restrained and sits with his arms crossed, do not hesitate to follow suit initially. After a while, once better contact has been made, if you relax a bit physically you will probably find that he will do the same.

Subtly Massage Your Counterpart’s Ego

More than 2000 years after Aesop’s fable “The Fox and the Crow,” is flattery not now a tired old ruse, particularly when it comes to business negotiations? Curiously, research carried out on this subject, particularly in the United States, clearly shows that it is not, as individuals are, by their very nature, always keen to receive positive tokens of recognition. Indeed, it seems that compliments addressed to an individual exert a direct and powerful influence over the sympathy that she feels toward the flatterer. That sympathy is all the greater when compliments are genuine and not offset by any criticism. Even more surprising is that this sympathy is felt even when the compliments are largely insincere and, more surprising still, when the beneficiary of the compliments knows perfectly well that the flatterer is hoping to get a favor from him. Naturally, when dealing with professional negotiators, you have to display a modicum of subtlety.

• Treat your counterpart as someone important.
• Approve of her ideas and actions.
• Use tacit compliments.
• Quote your favorite source of reference—your counterpart, of course.
• Give little away on pricing but a lot on ideas.
• Admit your failures—all the better to highlight your opponent’s success.

Treat Your Counterpart as Someone Important

The first way of massaging your counterpart’s ego is to treat him as someone of importance. This involves listening; asking questions; getting him to put forward his thoughts, opinions, and assessment of the situation; and taking the time to rephrase your own comments to show that you have fully taken his views on board: “If I understand you correctly, what matters to you here is…”

It also involves approaching him as if he had even more power and legitimacy than he really possesses. Thus, instead of asking, “Who will make the decision once you have sorted out the details?” you should ask, “I understand that you have the lead role on this deal, but who will you consult before making your decision?”

It also means remembering every last detail he is kind enough to give you about his life and, where appropriate, showing him that you have duly noted his comments. You need to give him the feeling that even minor events in his life are major issues in yours.

Approve of Her Ideas and Actions

Approval is a simple method of massaging your counterpart’s ego. You can employ silent praise: a slight nod of the head, an attentive gaze, or some other gesture that will make a big impact, especially if it comes during the few moments of silence just after the other person has finished speaking. In her eyes, you are not looking for a response; you are pondering and approving the idea she has just expressed.

Praise can become more verbal if you ensure that the conversation is interspersed with comments such as “that’s a good idea,” “very good point,” or “I’ve rarely read such a clearly drafted report.” These compliments are never addressed directly and personally to the other person, but specifically concern ideas or actions attributable to her.

It should be noted that praising a minor but very recent success is much more effective than applauding ancient glories, however great.

Use Tacit Compliments

This involves complimenting the person personally but indirectly. In passing, you can slip in words of praise that will be perceived as the spontaneous expression of the admiration that the other person arouses in you: “Someone as pragmatic as you would have known how to deal with the issue immediately, but as it happens…”

The important thing is to choose compliments that the other party wants to hear: Does he see himself as a visionary strategist, a great pragmatist, an inspired innovator, a technical expert, or a cunning negotiator? It is a matter of listening to other people’s conversation to detect how they see themselves and then sending back a perfect reflection of their own self-picture.

Quote Your Favorite Source—Your Counterpart, of Course

The only opinions that people always agree with are their own. When you want to present an idea, if you show that it was inspired by your counterpart, it will receive a warmer welcome from the start.

Here is a magic phrase to capture his attention in a positive manner: “I’ve thought again about something you said…” All that remains is to remember the words that made such an impression and to show how they led you to think anew, the sole merit of which is ultimately to expand on and clarify the other person’s idea.

Another way of going about it is to present your own proposals while referring to ideas taken directly from the mouth of the other person: “When calculating the price, I started from the terms of last year’s contract, as you suggested, and index-linked them to take account of three parameters: trends by volume, as you requested, changes in production costs, and the new environment as regards logistics.” This method is all the more effective if it is used not as clumsy manipulation but as the result of really listening to the other person and seeking to create a solution that will satisfy his material and intellectual needs.

Give Little Ground on Pricing but a Lot on Ideas

Too often we tend to want to impose our views and terms on the other person. Yet the more we attack, the more she will be on the defensive: Nobody likes to see other people’s ideas and demands take precedence. Therefore it is important that your opponent should have the feeling, at least in part, that her views have held sway.

Let us assume that a buyer demands a 10% discount and a seller is determined not to give her more than 2%. Depending on how their arguments are taken, the buyer may see 2% as a blunt rejection or as a triumph.

When your counterpart presents her case in support of a demand for a price adjustment, obviously you must not accept this too quickly. You should even start by politely but vigorously disputing her claims. Present your arguments forcefully—remember Golden Rule No. 2. Make your opponent dig deeply into her resources to sustain the debate. Then, after a while, adopt a helpless air: “I know that overall you’re basically right; what you’re saying is fair.”

A variant on this is to play the complicity card. Smile sadly and sigh, “You have some strong arguments, I must confess. You’re not making my task easy here.”

Did you notice your counterpart quickly suppressing just the hint of a smile of satisfaction? You have achieved your objective. It will soon be the right moment to present your 2% offer as the valuable prize for her victory.

To satisfy the need for recognition that often motivates any individual during negotiations, material concessions are not the only ones that can prove effective.

“Admit Your Failures”—All the Better to Highlight Your Opponent’s Success

Whatever the result of the negotiations, your opponent must see this as the best possible outcome. It is important that your opponent should be sufficiently convinced of this to be able, in turn, to convince his line management, internal customers, or partners. Thus a great negotiator is often one who leaves the appearance of victory to the other party.

Show that you have agreed to a deal on terms much less favorable than those you had anticipated: “I must tell you that I wasn’t expecting to agree to such terms, but you’ve presented such a strong case that I’ve had to completely rewrite my script.”

Be gracious in defeat: “At least you have given me the information to explain to my people why I had to accept such terms.”

Do not seek to inspire any feeling of recognition in your counterpart, nor pity, just the satisfaction of having achieved a result to be proud of and an agreement deserving of respect and support.