SUMMARY—START WITH HEART

Here’s how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals—particularly when the going gets tough.

Work on Me First, Us Second

• Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself.

Focus on What You Really Want

• When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives.

• Ask yourself: “What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?”

• Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?”

• And finally, ask: “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?”

Refuse the Fool’s Choice

• As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool’s Choice.

• Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on.

• Break free of these Fool’s Choices by searching for the and.

• Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.