SEXUAL OR OTHER HARASSMENT

IT’S NOT LIKE ANYONE’S BLATANTLY harassing me or anything, but I don’t like the way I’m being treated. How can I bring it up without making enemies?”

The Danger Point

Someone is making comments or gestures that you find offensive. The person does it seldom enough and he or she’s subtle enough that you’re not sure if HR or your boss can even help. What can you do?

In these situations it’s easy to think that the offender has all the power. It seems as if the rules of polite society make it so that others can behave inappropriately and you end up looking like you’re overreacting if you bring it up.

Generally speaking, a vast majority of these problems go away if they’re privately, respectfully, and firmly discussed. Your biggest challenge will be the respect part. If you put up with this behavior for too long, you’ll be inclined to tell a more and more potent Villain Story about the offender. This will jack up your emotions to the point that you’ll go in with guns blazing—even if only through your body language.

The Solution

Tell the rest of the story. If you’ve tolerated the behavior for a long time before holding the conversation, own up to it. This may help you treat the individual like a reasonable, rational, and decent person—even if some of his or her behavior doesn’t fit this description.

When you feel a measure of respect for the other person, you’re ready to begin. After establishing a Mutual Purpose for the exchange, STATE your path. For example:

“I’d like to talk about something that’s getting in the way of my working with you. It’s a tough issue to bring up, but I think it’ll help us be better teammates if I do. Is that okay?” [Establish Mutual Purpose]

“When I walk into your office, sometimes your eyes move up and down my body. And when I sit next to you at a computer, sometimes you put your arm around the back of my chair. I don’t know that you’re aware you’re doing these things, so I thought I’d bring them up because they send a message that makes me uncomfortable. How do you see it?” [STATE My Path]

If you can be respectful and private but firm in this conversation, most problem behavior will stop. And remember, if the behavior is over the line, you shouldn’t hesitate to contact HR to ensure your rights and dignity are protected.