MY OVERLY SENSITIVE SPOUSE

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN your spouse is too sensitive? You try to give him or her some constructive feedback, but he or she reacts so strongly that you end up going to silence.”

The Danger Point

Often couples come to an unspoken agreement during the first year or so of their marriage that affects how they communicate for the rest of their marriage. Say one person is touchy and can’t take feedback, or the other doesn’t give it very well. In any case, they in effect agree to say nothing to each other. They live in silence. Problems have to be huge before they’re discussed.

The Solution

This is generally a problem of not knowing how to STATE Your Path. When something bothers you, catch it early. Contrasting can also help. “I’m not trying to blow this out of proportion. I just want to deal with it before it gets out of hand.” Describe the specific behaviors you’ve observed. “When Jimmy leaves his room a mess, you use sarcasm to get his attention. You call him a ‘pig’ and then laugh as if you didn’t mean it.” Tentatively explain the consequences. “I don’t think it’s having the effect you want. He doesn’t pick up on the hint, and I’m afraid that he’s starting to resent you” (Your story). Encourage testing: “Do you see it differently?”

Finally, Learn to Look for signs that safety is at risk, and Make It Safe. When you STATE things well and others become defensive, refuse to conclude that the issue is impossible to discuss. Think harder about your approach. Step out of the content, do what it takes to make sure your partner feels safe, and then try again to candidly STATE your view.

When spouses stop giving each other helpful feedback, they lose out on the help of a lifelong confidant and coach. They miss out on hundreds of opportunities to help each other communicate more effectively.