I don’t know if it’s harder for us chaps to learn this one but I find it tough. Whenever anyone has a problem, I want to rush off and do something. Doesn’t really matter what, just so long as I am doing something, anything.

In actual fact what is often required of me is that I sit down and listen. I am not being told troubles and problems just so I can be all macho and rescue someone or leap to their defence or single-handedly take on the world for them (in fact be a hero). What is needed is a sympathetic ear, a shoulder perhaps to cry on, an ‘Oh, that must be awful for you’ sort of response, a counsellor’s approach and a full and rapt attention with eye contact. That’s the tricky bit. As soon as I’ve heard the problem I’ve switched off, or rather I’ve switched to working out what the solution must be.

But for me, when I have a problem I don’t want to hear sympathetic noises and encouraging sounds. I don’t want a heart space where I can share. I just want a solution, an offer of help, an extra pair of hands, a stout length of rope and a screwdriver.^*

But then all my problems are object related and need practical solutions – a chap’s sort of thing. All the problems that I find the hardest to just listen to are person related and need a completely different approach. Knowing when to listen and when to act is an extremely useful skill to develop. I still constantly need to stop myself interrupting someone who is sharing a problem with me by saying, ‘Hold it right there, I can see exactly what this needs’ and then rushing off to fetch my tool kit.

Of course, some problems don’t actually have solutions, that’s not why we’re being told them. We are being told so we can be part of the process, and that may be sympathy, grief, shock, empathy, kindness, emotional advice, hand holding. Knowing when to offer tea and sympathy or a tool kit and a stout rope instead is the skill to learn and a good Rules Player gets it right. (Yes, yes, I know, I still get it wrong far too often.)