This one may or may not affect you. Personally, as I am now technically an orphan, it shouldn’t affect me. But it does. Big time. I was brought up with two major dysfunctional features. A missing father and a difficult mother. I have siblings with the same background. We have all handled it differently. I found it easier to come to terms with my mother once I too had children and could see what a difficult job it is. I could then also see that some people are intuitively, naturally good at it. And some people are, to be brutally frank, utterly useless at it. My mother fell into the latter category. Was that her fault? No. Should I blame her? No. Can I forgive her? There is nothing to forgive. She embarked on a life path for which she was ill-equipped, received no help, was lacking in any skill, and found extremely limiting and difficult. Result? She treated her children appallingly and we probably all need therapy. Or forgiveness and respect. Why should she be blamed for doing a difficult job badly? Hey, there are lots of areas in all our lives where we aren’t very efficient or skilled or even enthusiastic.

Your parents do the best they can. And that might not be good enough for you but it is still the best they could do. They can’t be blamed if they weren’t very good at it. We can’t all be fabulous parents.

And the absent father? That’s OK too. We all make choices that others can judge as bad or unforgivable or just plain selfish and wrong. But we aren’t there. We don’t know what weaknesses people have or what drives them. Or indeed what is even going through their heads. We can’t judge until we too have to make the same choice. And even then if we choose a different way, then that’s fine, but we still can’t judge or blame.

So, for the fact they brought you into the world, have a little respect and forgiveness. If they did a good job, then tell them. If you love them (and there is nothing that says you have to), then tell them. And if they were appalling at parenting, then forgive them and move on.

As offspring you do have a duty to be respectful. You have a responsibility to treat them kindly and be more than they are by being forgiving and non-judgemental. You can rise above your upbringing.