Lots of couples make the assumption that everything has to be the same for both of them – that you have to have the same set of rules for both partners. Not true. You can operate under different rules for important areas. The happiest relationships, the most successful, the strongest, are where both parties see the need for flexibility in their rules and adjust their relationship accordingly.

I expect you want an example? Of course you do. Let’s suppose one of you is fanatically tidy and the other fanatically messy (whatever that is). Normally you would have one going on at the other all the time about how messy/tidy the other is. There would be rows and problems. That’s because you are both trying to work to the same rule – we both have to be tidy/we both have to be messy. How about a different rule? I can be messy; you can be tidy. I can have areas where I can be messy and you have areas where you can be tidy. Now we don’t row because we have a different rule. I don’t have to be tidy when it isn’t in my nature and you don’t have to be messy when it isn’t in your nature.

Another example? My wife hates being teased and she hates being tickled. Me? I’m not bothered. She has the rule that she is not to be tickled – or teased – and my rule is I can.^* You may be the kind of person who wants to know where your partner is, whereas they’re not bothered about where you are and doesn’t expect you to report on it. You can then have a rule where your partner tells you where they’re going, to reassure you, but you don’t need to keep them completely in the picture as they are not worried.

Your partner may need constant reassurance that you love them and may need to be told several times a day. You might prefer to be told less frequently but when it’s genuinely felt – so you would have a rule that you’d mention it often but they didn’t have to say it back every time. Different strokes for different folks.