Give Them an Alternative

People who don’t like to say no generally feel that it’s rude or unkind to turn people down when they’re asking for something. It just doesn’t feel right saying no—you feel you should try to help, not obstruct.

OK, fine. So you can still help them. Just don’t do it by saying yes. That may be what they think they want, but actually it’s not. Suppose a neighbor asks you to babysit and you just don’t have the time. Do you feel you’re letting them down if you say no? But you’re not...because actually they don’t need you to babysit. They just need someone to babysit. If you can help them to a solution that doesn’t involve you, then everyone gains.

So you could tell them, “I can’t, but have you tried Julie?” or “I really can’t tonight, but I could do next Wednesday if that helps?”

Suppose a colleague asks you to cover so they can take a short vacation next week. You’re too busy, but you can still help: “Not next week, no. I could cover for you after the 25th though.” Or, “I’ve got too much work, but I can sort out your orders at the same time as mine if that helps.”

You’re perfectly entitled just to say no of course. I’m only trying to help you here if you have trouble doing that. Also, if your neighbor or colleague goes away feeling that you’ve helped them—even if you haven’t actually said yes to their original request—they’re more likely to cooperate next time you need their help to get what you want.