Don’t Respond to Tactical Anger

OK, everything I just said about dealing with anger—forget it. At least when the anger you’re dealing with isn’t justified. Some people use anger to manipulate, threaten, bully, intimidate, or bludgeon you into doing what they want. This is completely different from justified anger and needs a totally different response. This is toddler-tantrum world, and should be dealt with just as you’d deal with a toddler.⁸

In case you don’t have children I’ll explain the technique (and possibly put you off ever having kids). First you tell them, calmly, that you’re not prepared to be shouted at/spoken to like this/abused/bullied/intimidated (delete as applicable), and tell them you’ll leave if they don’t calm down. Then you carry out the threat if necessary, and leave if they don’t stop shouting. If they start up again next time they see you, just keep giving them the same response.

I know this is tough if you’re dealing with someone who is—or seems—senior to you. Your boss or your father-in-law or the head of the homeowners’ association. But hey, we’re all equal on a human level, and you deserve respect as much as anyone else. What can they do to you? You can’t discipline someone for refusing to be cowed by your manipulative intimidation. What actually happens is that these people learn fast that their prima donna tactics don’t work on you, and in time they’ll stop trying it because they’ll be the ones who look bad when you don’t react the way they’d planned.