RULE TO BREAK

“It matters what other people think”

No, no, no. It matters what you think. What you think deep down, I mean – not what you’d like to think. The only sure way to navigate through life is to have your own compass. Then if you want to know whether you’re on track, you have only to refer to yourself.

I have a close friend who is constantly dissatisfied with herself. No matter how well she does at work, she always feels she should have done better. She’s a great mum, but constantly thinks she’s messing up at home too. Why? Because her own mother either tells her she’s not doing enough, or implies it by withholding praise and approval when my friend does well.

One of my half-brothers, who lost his father when he was very young, has spent his whole life looking for his dad’s approval. Sadly he’ll never get it. Which means that until he learns to find approval within himself he’ll be forever frustrated, striving for something that doesn’t exist. No amount of achievement – personal, social, work or anything else – will make him feel satisfied.

Far too many of us fall into this kind of trap. Confidence is a big part of it, and that’s hard to find when you’re being undermined by the people you’ve come to accept as arbiters of your achievements. But you need to find that confidence, and learn to trust your own judgement. If necessary, spend less time around the people who judge you harshly, and cultivate friends, family and mentors who encourage you. That’s to build you up, not to replace one set of judges with another, better set, because in the end you’re the only judge who matters. I know this can be really tough, but the rewards are worthwhile.

The fact is that you need your own clear values and principles regardless of what other people say. Even if you’re surrounded by positive support, you still need to be able to judge your own actions for yourself. Only then can you feel comfortable with yourself in the darkest of times, or facing the hardest of decisions. So to get through life successfully, you’ll have to find the confidence to trust yourself regardless of what other people think.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel a glow when someone you respect shows their approval. Please enjoy it. But also learn to enjoy the achievement without the need for other people’s endorsement.