RULE TO BREAK

“Put the past behind you”

You may have been through some tough times in your life. Maybe some terrible times.

A lot of people will tell you that once you become a grown-up, you need to put the past – or at least the bad bits of it – in a box and close the lid on it. It can’t be changed, and now you need to get on with the rest of your life. They’re not being unsympathetic, these people, they just want to help you. And they think that if you dwell on your past it will hamper you. So they advise the old-fashioned, stiff upper-lip approach.

Well, it doesn’t work.

You can put stuff in a box alright – some people find this harder than others; some find it very easy. Yes, you can close the lid too. What you can’t do, however, is put the box down and walk away. That’s just not how it works. Nor are you allowed to give it away – it’s your box and yours alone. What you’ll have to do is carry that box around with you forever. It’s a heavy box, even on a good day. And there will be times when the stuff inside the box lies quietly, and other times when it bangs on the lid and keeps you awake at night.

Sure, there are lots of bad bits of our childhoods that can go in the box and they weigh very little and will probably never disturb our dreams again. But the really big stuff, the stuff that shaped the person you’ve become, you can’t shut that away because – for better or worse – it’s a part of you.

If you have this kind of stuff, you’ll have to deal with it. Sooner or later, you’ll have to come to terms with it. You might wait years, or do it now. You might make some headway and then take a break before you go back to it. You might do it alone, or with a friend, or a psychotherapist, or a counsellor, or through meditation. There are lots of options. In the end, though, it’s all about recognizing that however bad that stuff was, it’s what made you the fabulous person you are today, so you need to end up at least on nodding terms with it.

Once you’ve done that, obviously you can’t leave it behind (because, as we’ve said, it’s part of you), but you can put it in the box and it won’t weigh nearly as much. And occasionally you can even take it out of the box for a bit, and that will be OK too. Then you can get on with the rest of your life.