RULE TO BREAK

“If you’re in the firing line, keep your head down”

There are people in the world who will try to get the better of you. I’ve no idea why they do it – they all have their own reasons, none of which constitutes a decent excuse. But it happens. They put you down, they show you up, they grind away at your self-esteem, they bully you. Some single you out, others do it to almost everyone. It’s generally worst in schools, and reduces through life as other people mature, and as your own resilience increases. But from time to time you can encounter it at any stage in life.

The question is, how are you going to deal with it? Are you going to believe what they say about you, allow your self-confidence and self-esteem to slowly leach away until you feel worthless? That’s often what happens, and it’s quite understandable why these people have this effect. But it’s not the result you want. You want to prevent them from denting your self-image. You want their put-downs and bullying to slide off you.

I wish I could give you a couple of Rules that would instantly cure all bullying. Wouldn’t that be great? Of course it’s not that simple. However, I can pass on a few of the tips that have worked for other people. If you’re pretty robust, and fairly confident, and the bully isn’t a dominant force in your life, they may work on their own. If, on the other hand, you’re really up against it, they’ll certainly help but it will take longer, and you may need extra outside help. There are great books out there, and expert counsellors.

The thing you need to know, whether you’re being bullied at school or in your retirement home, is that the problem is theirs and not yours. There is never any excuse for picking on people, regardless of their behaviour, and your bully is never right or justified or excused. The issue for you is to try to detach yourself emotionally and refuse to let them get to you. Much easier said than done, I realize.

One thing that has helped several people I know is a simple phrase to repeat to yourself in times of trouble: they can’t walk all over you unless you’re lying down. So if you refuse to take it – whether overtly by standing up to them, or whether just privately inside your head – you’ll protect yourself. There are lots of techniques for dealing with bullies, but this is a great personal defence, before you even start on specific strategies. If you keep telling yourself this, you feel that you’re not letting them through, that you have an invisible force field that all their barbs simply bounce off. It makes no difference whether they know they’re losing or not. What matters is that you know you’re not.