RULE TO BREAK

“You can change people”

It’s astounding how many people believe this – maybe because they really want to. It’s very tempting to find someone who is 95 per cent of the way to being the partner you want, and then trying to tweak the last 5 per cent into place. If only they were just a bit tougher, or a little bit less flighty, or more tolerant, or less of a spendthrift, or a bit more of a risk-taker. Wouldn’t that be perfect?

Now look at it the other way around. Suppose you meet someone who thinks you’re almost perfect, but who sets out to turn you into their perfect man or woman. They’d prefer you a bit tougher, or a little bit less flighty, or more tolerant … How do you feel about that? And do you think it would be possible to change who you are?

However you look at it, trying to change someone is another way of saying there’s something wrong with them. Partner or friend, it undermines their confidence and makes them feel criticized and got at. And it’s very controlling too.

All of which might explain why trying to change other people always backfires. And what’s more, it doesn’t work. Most of us simply can’t change our basic nature, however much we try. We can change our outward behaviour of course – and it’s usually reasonable to ask someone close to adjust their behaviour if you have a good reason and ask nicely – but underlying character is a very different business.

Listen, I’m not moralizing here. I’m not saying you should or you shouldn’t. I’m just saying that – right or wrong – it won’t give you what you want. I’ve seen people try it, and I’ve seen people lose their confidence and their self-esteem trying to be something they’re not. But I’ve never seen a successful relationship or friendship founded on changing each other. Every really successful one I’ve seen has been based on two people accepting each other for what they are, and learning to live with the 5 per cent because the 95 per cent is more than worth it.

If you’ve found someone who is 95 per cent of the partner you want, you’re doing well. So long as the other 5 per cent isn’t a predilection for pulling the wings off baby birds, but is simply a reasonable trait that doesn’t happen to be on your own personal checklist, 95 per cent is a very high mark already. If someone needs to change, then it will have to be you. You’ll need to change your response to that 5 per cent so that it doesn’t spoil everything. If you can do that, you’ll have a great relationship. If you can’t, well, that should demonstrate how unrealistic it is to expect them to change.

Don’t forget, you’re probably 5 per cent short of their ideal partner too, and they’ll also have to change their response to that if this is going to work. Isn’t that enough, without asking them to change their personality too?