RULE TO BREAK

“Think on your feet”

In some situations, thinking on your feet can work well. Sometimes there’s no choice, of course. And some of us find it easier than others. But in tricky situations, it’s much smarter to plan in advance what you’ll say or how you’ll act.

This applies to bullying, just to give you one example, as we’ve just been thinking about it. If you know that a certain classmate or colleague or ‘friend’ is likely to make fun of your weight, or your background, or your handwriting, or your sales record, or your hairstyle, or anything else, just decide in advance what you’ll say in response. It doesn’t have to matter (within reason) what this is. The point is that you’re writing the script, which puts you in control. And that has to feel more positive than being a victim.

Here’s another example. If you’re shy, it can be easy to get anxious about meeting people. Should you shake hands? Maybe kiss? One cheek or both cheeks? What if you start to shake hands and they go in for a kiss? You’ve no idea what they’re going to do, so it’s pretty nerve-wracking waiting to see what will happen. But wait – it doesn’t have to be like that. Why don’t you write the script, and then you can control what happens? Decide beforehand that you’ll offer your hand, or that you’ll grasp them firmly by the shoulders and kiss one cheek, or whatever. If necessary ask advice on what will be appropriate, but the chances are if you’re not sure what will happen it’s because either option would be acceptable. If in doubt, go for the more formal option.

Whether you’re about to ask someone out for the first time, or have to discipline a member of your team, or want to ask your boss for a pay rise, or your tutor for an extension on your assignment, decide in advance how you’re going to handle it and, whatever happens, you’ll be more confident because you’ll be in control.

Obviously these examples are all conversations that could go off in different directions. But you must know roughly what the possibilities are, so you can plan contingencies: if she says no, you’ll say this; if she says yes, you’ll say that, and so on.

The real value of this isn’t in knowing whether to kiss or shake hands, or in being able to cope with bullies, or take a knock-back when you’re asking for a date. It’s the confidence you gain from feeling that you’re in control.