RULE TO BREAK

“If you know you’re in the right, don’t back down”

As with several of these Rules to break, there are times when this Rule holds. It’s a matter of not applying it blindly. So if you know you’re in the right over an important ethical matter of principle and values, you should indeed not back down. Suppose someone is treating another person badly and you decide to intervene – in that instance you should hold your ground. Even so, that’s better done by being calm, rational and civil. And when I say ‘better done’, I mean ‘more likely to work’.

On all other occasions, however, the fact that you’re right is less important than reaching an agreement. You may well be right that this fence belongs to you, or that you are technically senior, or that precedent is in your favour. Then again, very often the person you’re in a disagreement with is equally sure that they are in the right. Maybe they are. Maybe you both are. It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that you reach an agreement, and that entails compromise. The idea of compromise is often seen as some kind of giving in, which implies losing face. However, that’s not actually what it means at all. It means that you both adapt in order to resolve things. That sounds reasonable, doesn’t it?

Focus on the fact that you want a solution to the dispute. In fact, take encouragement from the fact that you both want a solution. You both have more to gain by resolving things than you do by leaving them as they are. So if you can engineer that, you haven’t lost face at all. You’ve succeeded.

You’ll need to be civil, for a start. No one will do a deal with you if you’re ranting at them. If they’re the one ranting, you’ll need to stay calm and civil to have any chance of getting them to calm down.

Next, you have to look at the situation from their perspective. Why is it so important to them? Why do they think they’re the one who is right? Do they have a point? And having thought that through, rationally and fairly, you can think about what they really need out of an agreement for it to work. Suppose your neighbour is arguing with you about whether you can park in front of their house. Are they simply being territorial (which is a natural human instinct, even if they have no legal case), or are they concerned about where they will park, or whether their wheelie bins will be blocked?

Once you can see where the other person is coming from – without having to agree with it – you should be able to suggest a solution that will keep everyone happy. And when you arrive at that compromise, and both adapt to each other, you can pat yourself on the back. Achieving compromise is more demanding than just arguing or ranting, and it’s something you can be proud of.