TIP 19
JUST SAY NO, AND SAY IT OFTEN
A peacefulness follows any decision, even the wrong one.
Now that you’ve created a vacuum by uncluttering your life (Tip 12) and have extra time, watch out. All sorts of people, invitations, and opportunities will come into your life. This doesn’t mean that you have to say yes to any or all of them. Be picky. Some people worry that if they say “No, thank you” it will end the flow of new opportunities. Actually, the reverse is true. You will be maintaining the space for the right opportunities and relationships.
Many of my clients constantly overcommit themselves with work and social obligations because they say yes instead of no. Women in particular tend to have a need to please and to be liked. This is a cultural phenomenon—women are raised to be good, while men are raised to be right. As a result, it is usually harder for women to say no, and it handily explains why men don’t like to ask for directions (they are supposed to know already). The assignment I give my chronic “yes” clients is to go to the opposite extreme for one week and say no to every offer or request. If they change their minds later, they can go back and say yes, but the first response must be no. “No, but thanks for asking.” Even extremely successful women have difficulty with this assignment, but it breaks the “yes” habit. They begin to see that the earth won’t crumble around their feet if they say no. Their friends won’t leave them, and their dog will still love them.
If you just can’t seem to say no, try buying some time and say, “Thank you for the invitation; may I think about it and let you know tomorrow?” Often it is difficult to determine on the spot whether you really want to do something, and our initial response is usually to please the other person, which produces a yes when you really want to say no. If you give yourself some time to think about it, you can call back the next day and accept, decline, or give a counteroffer. If you receive a wedding invitation or an invitation to a special event, you don’t automatically have to go. Think about it for a day or two, and if you really would enjoy it, then go. Of course, if you are dying to do it, just say yes! Use the joy filter for decision making, and you’ll find it is easy to decide.
Janet was a chronic “yes” case. She felt that if her boss asked her to do something, she had to say yes, or she would be seen as a poor employee. As a result, she had taken on too many projects and was inundated with work. When she hired me, she was worried that she might even lose her job because she had just turned in an important project a few days late. Her boss was extremely displeased and told her she would have to do better at meeting her deadlines. Janet explained to him that she was busy working on another project that she thought was more important and hadn’t had time to get to this assignment. He said that she would have to stop making excuses and get down to business. Naturally, Janet was upset. I suggested she go back to her boss with a list of all the projects she was currently working on and ask him to help her prioritize her work. Then, whenever anyone asked her if she could work on another project, she could simply say, “No, I can’t take that on right now because I’m working on XYZ project.” If her boss came up to her with another assignment, she could simply say, “I’d be happy to work on that project. Right now I’m working on XYZ project. Does this one take priority? If so, I’ll need an extension on XYZ project.”
It helps if you have a big wall calendar and can point to the projects you have scheduled so that your manager and colleagues can actually see how busy you are. Your boss may not be aware of all the different things you are working on at any one time, and it is very helpful to point these facts out and ask him or her to determine the priority for you. It is important to demonstrate that you are a team player who is eager to take on new projects, but you also want to make sure you don’t overextend yourself and get into hot water by doing poor work or turning projects in late.
Clients who find it difficult to say no at work usually have trouble saying no in their personal lives, too. Jean complained that, except for a handful of old friends, she didn’t have much of a social life. I asked if she had time for a social life. She realized that she didn’t and started saying no to requests to volunteer in order to keep her evenings free for socializing. Jean had always felt that if someone asked her to do something and she wasn’t busy or scheduled with something else, she should do it. This kept her very busy doing things for other people, and she had built up a reputation as being very helpful and nice, but it left her with no time to work on her own life. At the same time she didn’t feel she could say no to friends and acquaintances. We took a few minutes to craft some responses so Jean would have them ready when someone called. We decided she would say, “Thank you so much for thinking of me. I feel honored that you would want me to [serve on the board at the local children’s hospital, manage the charity booth at the craft fair, and so on.], however I must decline. Perhaps so-and-so would be interested.”
Jean used to think that she had to have an excuse, but she didn’t want to lie to her friends. I told her that she didn’t have to lie and that she didn’t have to give any reasons or justifications. It is sufficient reason that she just doesn’t want to. If one of her friends pressed her, she could simply say, “I’m not interested in working on that project,” or, “I’m working on other projects at this time.”
We also worked on the broken record technique, an idea from Manuel J. Smith’s classic book, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. No matter how the other person responds, you just keep repeating your statement in a neutral, low-key tone. For example, “Oh, but we really need you, and you did such a great job last year.” Jean would simply respond again, “Thank you. I was glad to help out last year; however, I must decline this year.” Sometimes they would come back with something along the lines of, “Oh, but what will we do without you?” (She is laying a guilt trip on Jean.) To which Jean must respond, “Thanks again for thinking so highly of me; however, I really must decline.” Jean felt really comfortable with this manner of saying no because she wanted to honor her friends, but she also wanted some time to work on her own life. The next day she received a call from a friend asking her to help plan her daughter’s wedding, and Jean gracefully declined. Her friend wasn’t hurt, and Jean didn’t get burdened with yet another project.
Out of the blue, two friends Jean hadn’t seen in over a year called and said they realized how much they had enjoyed her company, and would she like to renew the friendship? She did, and they made plans together. It seems uncanny, but it works. Try it yourself and see who comes into your life. If it isn’t who or what you wanted, just say “No thanks.”
Now I’m not suggesting that you don’t do any volunteer or charity work. I often encourage my clients to volunteer in order to find the fulfillment missing in their daily work or as a way to experiment with a possible new field or career. It is good and incredibly rewarding to help others for the pure joy of it. Just make sure you aren’t volunteering to the detriment of your own life.
One client, Theresa, was volunteering full time and working on her business part time. She had racked up $10,000 in credit card debt in the process. I pointed out that she needed to take care of herself first before devoting so much time to helping others. She couldn’t afford to volunteer and needed to get a paying job until she could get her business off the ground. Once she paid off her debts and got her business into good shape, she could start volunteering again. This coaching program will help you free up time, space, and money so that it will be natural for you to give generously to the charities and organizations you want to support.