TIP 44
ASK FOR WHAT YOU REALLY WANT
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
A lot of time, heartache, and energy would be saved if we just asked for what we really wanted. I know it sounds simple, but for some reason, most people are reluctant to do this. Somewhere we got this idea that our colleagues, friends, family, and loved ones should just know what we want without our having to ask for it. Perhaps we think our loved ones have the same needs and desires that we have. Whatever we think, it just isn’t so. We all have unique needs and unique ways for them to be met. Once you discover what your unique needs are, you will be much more aware of them.
Stephen, who worked as a sales executive in an upscale retail store, discovered that he had a need for appreciation. He had been doing great work and had racked up a terrific number of sales but hadn’t heard a peep about his stellar performance from his managers. Stephen was getting miffed and a bit cranky. Instead of just pouting or complaining to his colleagues about how unappreciative his managers were, Stephen realized he was responsible for getting his needs met. In their weekly meeting, Stephen addressed this very simply by informing his managers that he’d like more positive feedback on his results. The two managers immediately apologized and thanked him for letting them know. They both admitted that they were terrible at giving positive feedback and needed to do it more often. Stephen got permission to prompt them occasionally, and they were appreciative. When Stephen reported back to me on his coaching call, he was thrilled. He didn’t realize how simple and easy it was to get this need for appreciation met on the job.
Somehow we have this crazy notion that it isn’t the same if you have to ask for it; that people should magically know what you need and want, especially your significant other. The first thing to realize is that people don’t know. More often than not, our bosses don’t know how we prefer to be managed, and even our closest friends don’t know what we need. Most of us give what we’d like to receive. While this may work some of the time, it certainly doesn’t work all of the time because we are all different and have different needs. If you don’t even know what makes you feel special, how on earth can you expect someone else to figure this out?
Second, it is not true that asking someone to meet your needs ruins it. That is a huge myth. You’ll have to experiment with this for yourself. I gave a boyfriend permission to go right ahead and give me foot massages at any appropriate opportunity. He got into the habit of putting my feet in his lap and massaging away. And believe me, it felt just as good even though I had to ask the first time. The people who love you and care about you will want to make you feel great, so don’t hesitate to ask for what really want.
Once you’ve identified your needs, it is time to ask your friends and family, and sometimes even your colleagues, to satisfy those needs. Be very specific. Ideally you should ask five different people to meet a given need in different ways. The point of the exercise is to overdo it and get so many people meeting your needs that you feel completely satiated.
For example, Martin discovered he had two key needs: to be respected and to be loved. He asked his wife to give him a romantic kiss when he got home from work and say how much she loved him. He asked his father to call once a week to tell him something that he admired about him, like, “I’m proud to have you as my son.” Martin asked his sister to e-mail him an adoring note once a week. He asked his boss and colleagues for positive feedback about his work.
All of these requests may sound like Martin is exceptionally needy, but that is precisely the point of this coaching assignment. You are supposed to overdo it—the point is to get more than enough. At first you will probably feel embarrassed and awkward asking someone, even close friends and family members, to fulfill your needs. That is perfectly normal. Don’t let that stop you from going ahead with the assignment. The key to making your needs “disappear” is to get lots of people to fulfill them in a variety of ways. Once you’ve done this assignment, you won’t come across as needy anymore. In fact, you’ll be much more satisfied and confident.
You can also meet your own needs. Martin finds that he feels more respect for himself when he works out and takes excellent care of his health and body. I personally felt cherished by hiring a housekeeper (Tip 17), a massage therapist (Tip 84), and a personal trainer (Tip 85), and by setting aside time for myself with sacred evenings (Tip 40). After about six to eight weeks of all this pampering, you will begin to feel satisfied. You won’t be as needy anymore because you have gotten an overdose of fulfillment. You won’t need your friends and family to call you each week forever, although if they enjoy doing it, why not continue?
Ideally, you want to get your needs so completely satisfied that they effectively “disappear.” In order to do this, most people need to take their needs much more seriously and set up a system for getting them fulfilled. Yet most people don’t even know what their personal and emotional needs are and enter relationships hoping that the other person will satisfy them—a very hit-and-miss approach to emotional satisfaction. What would it look like to have your needs so fully met that you didn’t even think about them? When you feel a need for something, you’d naturally ask for it, without feeling ashamed, embarrassed, or awkward. This doesn’t mean that you won’t want your loved ones to meet your needs; of course you would. But you wouldn’t want to rely on just one person to meet all your emotional needs. Most women, if they really admit it, do expect the love of their life to do precisely that, even though they can’t even articulate what their top four needs are! Absurd, but this is due to the prevailing confusion of love and needs. Because we must get our needs fulfilled in order to be our best, we often unconsciously expect our significant other to satisfy our emotional needs, and we believe that it is his or her “job” in the relationship to do this. Once you realize that you can fulfill your own needs and get friends and family to satisfy your needs, this takes the pressure off your relationship, freeing loved ones up to meet your needs simply because they want to, not because they have to.
In working on needs with clients, invariably I will hear that they can’t possibly ask people to meet their needs. You will be amazed at how people will want to meet your needs once you tell them those needs. Once when I was leading a seminar in London, I talked in great detail about needs and mentioned, as an example, my own need to be cherished. I told the audience that I kept discovering new things that made me feel cherished, and one of them was having my hair stroked. (When I was little, my father used to rock me and stroke my hair when I was sad, a tender gesture that made me feel loved and protected.) At the end of the day a number of people came up to tell me how much they had enjoyed the seminar and actually reached up and ran their fingers through my hair. I was both mortified and amazed. I was amazed because these were supposed to be stiff-upper-lip Brits after all, and here they were lining up and patting me on the head, stroking my hair in public. I was mortified because I had left out an important detail—I like the man in my life to run his fingers through my hair, not just anyone on the street! So remember to be specific because you will get what you ask for.
The point of this exercise is to ask others to meet your needs and acknowledge them when they do. The more people you ask, the easier it is and the more confident and attractive you become. Confidence is the natural by-product of getting your needs fulfilled. A word of warning: This is the hardest part of the coaching program and most people resist mightily, but it is well worth doing and life-changing so don’t skip it!