TIP 93
NEVER CONSIDER THE NEGATIVE
The mind is its own place, and in itself can make heav’n of hell, a hell of heav’n.
There is a principle in martial arts: never consider the negative. In other words, as you are about to engage in battle with your opponent, decide what you are going to do and do it. Do not visualize yourself getting hit or being pulverized into a little mashed potato, or that is very likely what will happen. Focus on moving forward.
I recently discovered that this principle is also useful in mountain biking. I was visiting my sister in Colorado and thought it might be fun to try mountain biking. Martin, her fiancé, took me to the top of a small mountain, showed me how the gears worked, strapped my head into a helmet, and off we went. I was having a tough time getting in the right gear at the right time. I always seemed to be in the downhill gear when I needed to go uphill and vice versa. To complicate matters, we were zipping along the edge of a cliff, bouncing over large rocks on the path. I couldn’t help but look down and imagine the worst—my body hurtling down the side of the mountain. Needless to say, I was scared to death, but fortunately, no mishaps ensued aside from some minor bruises. At the end of the trip, I confessed my terror and ineptitude, and Martin said, “It really helps if you look where you want to go ahead of you, not where you don’t want to go [over the edge of the cliff].” Keep your eyes on the path ahead, and your body will usually follow. Now that is sound coaching advice for life. Remember the principle that whatever you focus on expands. If you focus on the negative, you are more likely to bring that into your life. Like attracts like.
Banishing those negative thoughts is easier said than done, especially when one is hurtling through space on a mountain bike on the edge of a cliff. So what do you do with those self-defeating negative thoughts that keep popping into your head at the most inopportune times? Try talking to them: “Oh, it’s you again. What are you doing here? Get lost.” Then focus on what you want: “I am a natural athlete and going up this hill is a piece of cake.” You can just as easily psyche yourself into something as out of something with a few thoughts.
One of my clients, Birgit, a 41-year-old graphic designer, was talking about an upcoming vacation she had scheduled with her boyfriend. She was worried that it wouldn’t be any fun and imagined them getting into terrible fights because she liked to bum around on the beach and read novels, and he liked being constantly active—playing golf, hiking, and seeing the local sights. I pointed out to her that if she thought she was going to have a bad vacation, she would probably succeed in doing just that. She was mentally planning and preparing to have a rotten trip, and that was ridiculous. She laughed and realized what she had been doing. Instead she started to picture them both having a great time and not feeling obligated to spend every single second of their vacation time together. He could do his thing, and she could do hers. Two weeks later, Birgit called to report that they had a marvelous time and only one tiny fight, which was quickly resolved. They felt closer than ever before. Life brings the best to you, if you let it.
Let’s take a deeper look at negative thoughts. A thought or observation may be negative, but your response doesn’t have to be. For example, “That person was certainly inconsiderate.” This is an observation. Now you have a number of options. You can expand on that thought—“I can’t believe she had the nerve to step right in front of that handicapped person!”—and go home and tell everyone all about it. Or you can say something, right then and there. “Did you realize you just cut in line ahead of this person?” The moment you address things on the spot, you can completely forget about them. This is much more effective than feeding them with more and more negative energy.
You might notice some other negative thoughts such as, “Hmm. I can’t seem to get my pants zipped up.” You can choose all sorts of different responses. Let’s look at some:
Negative: “I must be gaining weight again. I have no willpower. I’m a terrible person. Nobody will like me if I get fat.”
Head in the sand: “My pants must have shrunk in the dryer.”
Positive: “This is a sure sign that I’m not taking proper care of myself. I’m going to start a program for extreme self-care today!”
Notice that focusing on the positive does not mean denying the facts of the situation. It is acknowledging the situation and taking a positive course of action. Often something negative is a message that is prompting us to take an appropriate course of action (Tip 69). If you aren’t willing to do something about the negative thought, then you might as well accept it. If you can’t accept it, then do something.
Here are some other helpful tips to banish persistent negative thoughts:
• First, ask yourself, “Is this thought true?” When we give ourselves a chance, we often realize the thought is not true to begin with.
• Use pennies or tick marks to record how many negative thoughts you have in a day. Often just noticing how many times you are negative is enough to change your behavior. One of my clients was extremely hard on herself. I asked her to make a log of all the negative things she said to herself. Her number-one negative thought was, “I’m so stupid.” When she realized she was saying that about 57 times a day, she decided to stop and say, “Actually, I’m pretty clever.”
• Write down all your negative thoughts on a piece of paper and then burn it.
• Read the book You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought, by Peter McWilliams.