TIP 76
SAY IT LIKE IT IS, BUT GENTLY
True kindness presupposes the faculty of imagining as one’s own the suffering and joys of others.
Prepare people for what you have to say. When you get in the habit of stepping over nothing (Tip 7), you may find that you have some difficult, awkward, perhaps even painful or embarrassing things to say. While there is no easy way to say or hear these things, you can make it easier by conditioning it first. This is very simple. Just say it like it is. For example, suppose you need to have a discussion with your employee about poor performance. “Susan, what I want to talk about isn’t easy for me to say and may be difficult for you to hear. (Pause.) Your performance has been below standard for the past two weeks. What is going on?” The point is not to sugarcoat what you say, but to enable you to say exactly what you need to in a way that the other person can hear and understand. It doesn’t do much good to say something that just upsets the other person and doesn’t change that person’s behavior.
Another client, Veronica, was concerned about her husband. He was a talented electrical engineer, yet he always seemed to take jobs for much less money than he deserved. She was a computer programmer and wanted to work part-time in order to spend more time at home with their two toddlers, but she couldn’t because she was the primary breadwinner. Veronica had brought up the subject of his low salary in the past, but her husband always seemed to get angry and defensive. At this point, she was afraid to say anything, as he was going through the interview process for a new job. A company had made him an offer that she knew was below market, and she was afraid that he would accept it without even negotiating. In the past, he had received great performance evaluations and was frequently rewarded with honors. She couldn’t understand why he was even considering such a low salary. Veronica called me desperate for advice.
First of all, I asked if he had signed the contract, and she said he hadn’t signed anything yet. This was good! There was still time to negotiate because a verbal acceptance didn’t hold him to anything. Second, I asked Veronica to tell me exactly how she had told her husband that he was worth more than he was getting. She said something to the effect of, “Honey, you really should be making more money. You are so qualified and talented. They don’t pay you enough. How am I ever going to be able to stay home with the kids if you don’t get a high enough income?” It was pretty obvious that Veronica’s comments were disempowering. After a conversation like this, he would feel inadequate, and this would only exacerbate his low self-esteem at work. I told Veronica that she had to be constructive in everything she said to her husband. Pretend that he can do no wrong. Give him all your love and support. Tell him how wonderful he is and remind him of all his past successes and all the awards he has won. Boost him up big-time.
Veronica called me back the next day. She had done exactly what I recommended and had spent the night before her husband’s final interview reminding him of how valuable he was and that he had been awarded for his creative and innovative work at his last job. He was certainly worth more than the average engineer. Veronica never once criticized him. She made him feel terrific and powerful. The next morning when they woke up, he thanked her for all her support and said that he was going to ask for more money and hint that he had other offers pending. Veronica hadn’t even suggested this. He came back and had accepted an offer for $15,000 more, plus added benefits. Veronica was amazed, and her husband was proud to be the primary breadwinner. They went to a financial planner and figured out that with his new higher salary, they could afford to live on his income alone. Her dream had come true—she could stay home and raise the children. This is the power of being unconditionally constructive and positive in everything you say.