TIP 79
STOP TRYING TO CHANGE PEOPLE
It says nothing against the ripeness of a spirit that it has a few worms.
It is a waste of energy to try to change people. The only thing you can do is be a model for them, and if they don’t pick up on it, move on. Life is too short. You could easily spend a lifetime trying to change someone to no avail.
The people in our lives are often mirrors of ourselves. If there is something about someone else that you don’t like, it is probably a mirror for the same trait you don’t like in yourself. Perhaps he or she is reflecting the opposite of one of your traits to show you that you need to balance out. If you are obsessed with neatness and attract a carefree slob into your life, that person may be there to help you relax and loosen up a bit. Or it may just be a sign to move on and meet someone else. Imagine that you are 100 percent responsible for everything in your life, including the parts you don’t like. Instead of trying to change the other person, look within and see where you could improve yourself.
Laura was having difficulty communicating with her husband. She said that he had to be right all the time, and it was driving her crazy. She would say, “Turn left here,” and he would say, “I know.” Everything she did to try to be helpful he rebuffed. Lately, they had been fighting about the stupidest little things and she felt that she wasn’t being heard. We had identified that Laura needed to feel accepted, and every time her husband said, “I know,” she felt worthless and unappreciated. I asked Laura to tell her husband about this need to feel accepted and let him know that she felt he didn’t accept or value her. She had a conversation with him and discovered an interesting thing about her husband: he valued her quite a bit and definitely listened to and appreciated her input. In fact, when he said, “I know,” what he really meant was, “You’re right.” This was a revelation to Laura.
During the next coaching call she said, “Well, why can’t he just say what he means then?” I asked her to give up trying to change him and instead pretend he was from another planet and spoke an entirely different language. Every time he said, “I know,” she translated it to, “You’re right.” It probably saved their marriage. Now she feels loved and appreciated by her husband, and he doesn’t have to walk on eggshells in fear of saying the wrong thing and setting her off on a tirade.
Learn what you can from other people, but forget about changing them. It is a tremendous waste of energy that would be better put to work on your own life. You want people to love you just the way you are, so be a good sport and love other people just the way they are. Better still, see if you can’t find their faults adorable.