TIP 42
FORGIVE IN ADVANCE
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Bearing a grudge and being angry or resentful is a huge energy drain. If you want to relieve a tremendous weight and feel 10 pounds lighter instantly, all you need to do is call somebody you hurt or wronged in some way and apologize. Yes, do this even if it wasn’t your fault. In fact, take this one step further and call all the people who have hurt you and forgive them. It takes great courage to forgive and to give up being right about stuff (yes, you can forgive them even if you are right and they are wrong). The whole point here isn’t who is right and who is wrong. It is about freeing yourself from the negative energy you are carrying around by not forgiving someone. Carrying all this anger and resentment is a heavy burden and is affecting you and your ability to attract what you want in life. You don’t want any past burdens and grudges weighing you down or slowing you up—and they will if you don’t do something about it.
My client, Karen, had divorced her first husband three years ago and was happily remarried. Her ex-husband had also remarried. She had just started the coaching program and the first issue that came up was the fact that she was still upset with some hurtful things her ex-husband had said during their marriage. I told her to call him right away and inform him in a neutral tone of voice (Tip 6) what he had said and how it had hurt her. Just stick to the facts without any embellishment. Then ask him to apologize and forgive him. Karen did not want to do this. “Why not?” I asked. She didn’t want to dredge up the past. “Well, that’s too bad. You’ve already dredged it up, so you can sweep it back under the carpet where it was before and wait for it to pop up again in the future, or you can deal with it now and get on with the rest of your life. The whole call will take all of five minutes. It’s your choice, but let’s make sure you are aware of the costs of not clearing this stuff up. First, it will keep popping up at different points in your life until you handle it. It isn’t going to go away. Second, by not resolving this, you get to be a victim in the relationship, and he gets to be the bad guy. Is that how you want to remember your first marriage? Third, by keeping this unresolved, you are, in effect, hanging onto this old relationship, and it is getting in the way of your current relationship with your husband. This will all disappear the moment you forgive him. This is just a five-minute conversation.” She hesitated, and then said she would think about it.
The next day I got an ecstatic phone message. Karen called him, and they had a great conversation. She told him what was bothering her without blaming or judging, and she forgave him. She was bouncing off the walls with all the newfound energy. Freed at last from the weight of the past, she was now ready to get going with her dreams and goals. The key to freedom is forgiveness.
Don’t let the past weigh you down. Forgive everyone. Forgive yourself.
Now that you know you need to forgive people in the end anyway so you can be free of them or the incident, you might as well just forgive everyone in advance. This will save you tons of time, heartache, and energy. Think about it; wouldn’t you want to be forgiven in advance?
Make a list of the people you are holding grudges against, the people you don’t want to talk to or see, and get on the phone or start writing letters. Remember, you can say just about anything to anybody if you do it in a neutral tone of voice. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you have forgiven someone when you still have some small feeling of rancor or resentment. As for the truly egregious stuff, get the therapy you need to start coming to grips with your anger—a little progress can go a long way toward freeing up your energy and your life. Another thing: not forgiving somebody hurts no one but you. It’s like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die. The people you’re resenting probably don’t even remember what it was that you were so upset about in the first place. Start making amends today.