TIP 8
RAISE YOUR STANDARDS
Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
The flip side of boundaries is standards—the conduct you hold yourself to. It doesn’t make much sense for you to have a boundary that people can’t make derogatory remarks about you if you do this to others. The neat thing is that by extending your boundaries, you’ll be raising your standards and vice versa. They go hand in hand. You can choose your standards. For example, I always tell the truth. I only give constructive feedback. I eat food that nourishes me. I never raise my voice. I always show up on time. I don’t give advice unless asked. Choose the standards you are ready for, not the ones you think you “should” have. Make a list of people you admire. Write down their top qualities, and think about the standards of behavior they hold themselves to. Now write down the standards you’d like to adopt for yourself.
Paul, a busy publishing executive, used to always run late. He didn’t even show up on time for his own staff meetings. Even his friends expected him to be late. People often make the mistake of thinking that if they are always running late, people will assume they are busy and important. If people are waiting for you, then you are in some way controlling them. This was precisely what Paul was doing, unconsciously, in order to feel in control. A very annoying habit. I asked Paul to raise his standards to always be early to appointments and meetings. For the first time, he actually showed up early for his own meeting, and sure enough all of his staff arrived late and were really surprised to see him sitting there waiting for them. A few people even made a comment or two to that effect. It will take a few times before people realize that he is now punctual, but they are already taking him more seriously.