TIP 4
ELIMINATE THE “SHOULDS”
To be good, according to the vulgar standard of goodness, is obviously quite easy. It merely requires a certain amount of sordid terror, a certain lack of imaginative thought, and a certain low passion for middle-class respectability.
The “shoulds” are those things we think we have to do, gotta do, but don’t really want to do. For example, I should network more. I should take Spanish classes to improve my résumé. I should be making more money. I should exercise. I should do this, that, or the other thing. All these “shoulds” are weighing you down and keeping you from getting on with the really interesting stuff in your life. I’m sure you could make up a nice little list of shoulds right now and I recommend that you do. Now crumple it up, wad it into a ball, and burn it!
It is time to ditch the shoulds. They are getting you nowhere and sapping your precious life energy.
How can you tell if something is a real goal or a “should” goal? Well, one sure-fire way is to ask yourself, “How old is this goal?” If you’ve had it for a year or more, then it is a “should” goal that is completely lifeless. You don’t want that dead goal hanging around one minute longer. Get rid of it! And I mean now! Ah, but you protest, “If I give up my goal to lose weight, then I’ll never lose weight.” Well, that may be true, but you’ve been saying you need to lose weight for how many years now? I don’t think this is ever going to happen, so you might as well give it up and replace it with something that you are really interested in doing. At this suggestion, a few of my clients gleefully get rid of the old goal, but most want to keep it. It’s amazing how attached we get to these shoulds. If you still feel that you want to hang onto a certain goal, then I say it is time to expand it into one that will get you excited. For example, instead of focusing on losing weight, how about setting a goal to become a yoga instructor or enter a dance competition? This “should” goal is suddenly a whole lot more fun, full of life, and will very likely have the side benefit of weight loss. If you really can’t toss a “should,” then transform it or delegating it.
Suppose you think you should get a better job, but just haven’t gotten motivated yet. Update your résumé (you can even hire an expert to do this for you), get it to a headhunter, and let him or her find you a new job. If you aren’t ready to update your résumé, network, contact a recruiter, or go on interviews, then you may as well forget this goal too. Far better to delete and move on. You’ll feel much lighter immediately.
Sandy, a 45-year-old social worker, hired me because she had recently divorced and wanted to find a new man. She wanted to start working out and to lose weight, but she just couldn’t seem to get started. She would go to the gym sporadically, but it wasn’t enough. Sandy blamed herself for a lack of discipline and willpower. I suggested that willpower was entirely unnecessary if she had an effective structure for support. I encouraged her to set up a support system that would make it easy for her to work out.
She was a very conscientious person, and I knew that if she had an appointment to meet a friend at the gym, she wouldn’t miss it. She put her gym bag in the car so she’d be able to go directly after work, because she knew herself well enough to know that if she went home first, she’d never make it back out again. Sandy made an appointment with a girlfriend who was also committed to getting back in shape. They met at the gym and ended up doing 35 minutes of exercise. Sandy felt terrific. Her colleagues at work noticed her enthusiasm, and one particularly handsome man asked her if she’d like to go running together. One thing led to another, and soon Sandy not only lost eight pounds, but she had a new relationship.
Mark really felt that he should work the room at business functions, but it made him feel really awkward and uncomfortable because he hated small talk. I suggested he sit down with a drink and let people approach him instead. Far better to have one or two rewarding conversations than shake hands with a bunch of folks you’ll never remember afterwards.
What are your tired old goals? If you haven’t done anything about them in the past year, get rid of them or reinvent them. Remember, you can always pick them up again later, but give yourself a break and let go of that burden for now. Another client, Howard, gave up his weight loss goals and took up tai chi instead. I met him for lunch a few months later and even though he wasn’t any thinner, he looked more relaxed, confident, and attractive. Why struggle if it isn’t making a difference anyway?
My client, Jim, was a dynamic mortgage broker and a great list-maker. Every year he would make an astonishing number of New Year’s resolutions. This year, he showed me his list of 25 goals, and I asked him to review it for any goals over a year old and delete any shoulds. He pared the list down to four key goals that he was really excited about working on and then felt a surprising relief. Get rid of the dead goals and those “shoulds” now, as they will only slow you down the rest of the year.