TIP 73
LISTEN PROFOUNDLY
It is not the voice that commands the story: it is the ear.
The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
Now that you have stopped doing so much talking, you will have more time to listen. Most people like to think that they are good listeners. Very few people actually are. Think about the people you know. Of all your friends and family members, how many really listen to you? Listening is an art and, like any life skill, takes practice. No one ever taught us how to listen; we were taught to speak. Stop worrying so much about what you are going to say. What really attracts people is not what you say, but how well you listen.
Listening and keeping your stories to yourself will lead to an unexpected result. People who do the most talking end up feeling that they know and trust the listener. It seems like it should be the reverse, that the people listening should feel they know the talker, but this isn’t the case. A well-known journalist confirmed this. He said that the way to build trust is to listen, and keep on listening, and then keep on listening some more. It really doesn’t matter what subject you start talking about. Just let the other person do the talking, and eventually, he or she will start to tell you the really interesting stories.
As a rule of thumb, talk 20 percent of the time and listen 80 percent. Try this today and see what happens. You might be amazed at the things people tell you when you really listen. People will love you for listening. Here is a tip: if you are with someone and you aren’t talking, but you are talking to yourself in your head, perhaps coming up with your response or judging and evaluating what he or she is saying, you aren’t really listening. You are talking to yourself in your head. Yes, that little voice that just said, “What are you talking about? I don’t talk to myself.” Next time you are listening to someone, notice how much you talk to yourself. Then shift your focus back to the other person. Hear everything he or she has to say before you even start to think of a response.
Listening profoundly is not easy; it takes practice. Experiment. This week, try listening to your friends, colleagues, family members, and boss for three minutes before you say your piece. Time yourself if you are talking with someone on the phone so you can start to get an idea of how long three minutes really is. It is okay to prompt the other person to say more by saying, “Uh huh. Tell me more. Yes, go on.” Just make sure that you are there listening, not thinking about what the solution is or what you want to say next (remember, that is talking to yourself in your head).
Phillip thought he was a pretty good listener. People often came to him for advice and to tell him their problems. When I gave him this exercise, he was astounded at how often that little voice in his head would go off. He realized that he wasn’t listening as profoundly as he could and made a concerted effort to relax and just soak in everything the other person said without judging, evaluating, or coming up with solutions in advance. An amazing thing happened. People started telling him things that he had never realized, revealing a deeper side of themselves to him. Phillip also noticed that if he listened long enough, they would often come up with the solution to the problem on their own, without his advice, yet they thanked him. The more profoundly you listen, the more people will enjoy being around you, and the more opportunities you will attract.