TIP 41
MAKE AMENDS
If you haven’t forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?
The best way to start attracting great people into your life is to clean up the relationships you already have. This should sound familiar. “Maintain what you have before you expand” is a key principle in coaching. Let’s start with the most intimate and important relationship of all—the one with yourself. What are your less than desirable traits? Perhaps you are too critical and judgmental of others? There is nothing, absolutely nothing, attractive about judging others. Quite the contrary. Nobody likes being judged, so if you want to be successful, this may be an area to work on.
Naturally, I wanted to eliminate this negative personality trait and, after some investigation, discovered its source—me! People who are judgmental are usually hard on themselves. They hold themselves to a high standard and when they don’t reach it, they beat themselves up about it. You are judging and evaluating yourself all the time and, my, what a harsh critic you are. You can’t help yourself, but you end up holding your loved ones to the same high standards you have for yourself, whether they have agreed to these standards or are even aware of them. Not exactly fair, is it? This is why you may come across as judgmental toward the people you love most. Acquaintances may not feel the brunt of this because they aren’t so close. The magic cure for this unpleasant trait is to forgive yourself first. When you stop being so hard on yourself, you will have room in your heart to forgive others too. It starts with you.
Another way to think about this is to realize that you are doing the best you can at the time. You had a rough day at work, you didn’t have time for lunch, you come home, and the kids want you to take them for ice cream. You snap back, “Can’t you see I’ve had a bad day!?!” Not the best thing you’ve ever done, but the best you could do on an empty stomach after a rough day. Forgive yourself first. Then go apologize to the kids. So now when people snap at you or do less than you expected, you can already forgive them in advance because you know they are doing the best they can at that time. This does not mean that you condone unpleasantness; rather, that you stop judging it. You can let someone know, “Do you realize you just snapped at me?” in a neutral tone of voice without being judgmental (Tip 6). It is not right or wrong, good or bad; it simply bothers you.
Sam was in his late fifties, divorced, had three grown children, and still had some unresolved issues with his own father. He felt that his father had been supercritical of him while he was growing up and that there was nothing he could do to please him—nothing was good enough (Sam by this time was a highly successful businessman and sat on the boards of a number of corporations.) I pointed out to Sam that his father was critical because he loved him so much and wanted nothing but the best for him. I encouraged him to talk to his father, who was now in his eighties, before it was too late and to tell him that he loved him. Sam wasn’t too keen on the idea and said that it was too late, that his father wouldn’t understand. I told him it didn’t matter what his father did, what mattered was what Sam did. Far better to express your love and forgiveness while your parents are still alive. Sam did finally tell his father that he loved him. His father was his typical gruff self and passed over it, but Sam felt good about it anyway. He was finally able to forgive his father after all these years of resenting him.
Most people have a whole list of things they have been carrying around that they haven’t forgiven themselves for and are still beating themselves up about. To err is human. So take a minute right now, get out your pen and paper, and start listing all the things you haven’t forgiven yourself for. Think back to when you were a little kid and got your brother or sister or friend in trouble for the “crime” you committed, and work your way up to the present, such as yesterday when you said something derogatory to a colleague at work. Now go through that list and see whom you can contact to apologize. I still haven’t located Jeffrey, whom I blamed for stealing my blue pencil in the third grade only to discover later that I had left it at home. In some cases, it may be enough to apologize and in other cases you may need to make reparations or amends. If someone spilled red wine all over the beautiful white sweater you loaned me to wear to a party and I came back and handed you a ruined sweater with my sincerest apologies, that wouldn’t do it. I need to get you a new sweater just like, or even better than, the one I ruined. Go out there and make apologies and amends as appropriate. This is an amazingly liberating exercise and will free up an incredible amount of energy. Apologize, make amends, and above all, forgive yourself.