TIP 47
BUILD A STRONG NETWORK OF SPECIAL FRIENDS
Given the choice of friendship or success, I’d probably choose success.
Friendship’s much more important to me [now] than what I thought success was.
What is success without friends to love, enjoy, and celebrate with? You need plenty of friends who love and support you. Many get by with one really close friend, and while that may be enough, successful folks typically have a number of really close friends.
Robert thought he had plenty of friends—three lifelong buddies. However, one lives in Washington, D.C., one in Oregon, and the other in Russia. He stays in contact through notes and calls and occasional visits, but it isn’t the same as having someone in town whom he can actually talk to and spend time with.
Obviously, you won’t be able to go out and find five new friends for life in a week, but you can open up your heart and make room for more friends. You can create a club, join an organization, or start a hobby where you will meet people with similar interests. Be aware of the people around you in business functions, networking events, and parties, and if anyone there seems special and interesting, make an effort to get to know them.
One client, Lauren, met a very influential woman in media at a cocktail party, and they hit it off right away. Julia, the media maven, asked Lauren if she would like to go out to lunch to get to know each other. Of course, she gladly accepted. Lauren was torn between becoming friends with this woman or trying to get her as a new client. She thought it would be great to have an influential client like Julia. I recommended that she forget about the business side of the relationship and focus on developing the friendship instead. True friends are rare and treasured finds; while clients may come and go. Lauren did exactly that, and in the long run Julia presented her with numerous business opportunities and referred various clients to her. If Lauren had tried to pursue the business relationship right away, it might have backfired on her.
On the other hand, don’t try too hard to get close to people—either it is effortless or it isn’t worth it. (If you’ve met your needs—Tip 43—this probably won’t be an issue.) Friendships and good working relationships happen naturally, and while you may need to make an initial effort to get the relationship started (such as a phone call to invite someone out to lunch or to get together), you don’t want to push yourself on other people either.
Successful people are typically at the center of a strong and supportive community. Very few people these days stay in the same place they were born. The easiest way to be a part of a community is to stay in one place for a long time. You become a part of the town, and people get to know you. In small towns almost everybody knows everybody. Built-in communities of this sort were once taken for granted. People have forgotten that being part of a loving and supportive community is an important part of life. You will not be your best if you are not part of a loving community.
These days, you usually have to create your own community, and this is actually a very good thing. Instead of being stuck with the people in your geographic area, you can pick and choose the right group for you and find people you truly enjoy. At work, you may be able to develop relationships with people who work in different states or countries. The Internet is bringing the entire world closer together and making it easier than ever to connect with people you truly resonate with. Work environments or church groups frequently serve as communities, but not always. I never did feel a part of the banking crowd, but I immediately liked and respected my fellow coaching colleagues, and it gave me an instant global network. Keep looking and joining various different groups and organizations both locally and online until you find a community you really love. You’ll feel right at home when you find the right group.
One of my clients has a beautiful life that most people would envy—a happy, 30-year marriage to a loving and supportive husband, two lovely and successful children, two gorgeous homes, and a successful retail business—the ideal American dream life. For 23 years she has belonged to a book club of 14 women. They meet once a month to discuss a book, but over the years they have become a tremendous support to one another. They have helped each other through two husbands’ heart attacks and deaths, teenagers abusing drugs, breast cancer, you name it—all the horrible things that can happen in life. Not one of them has ever needed to see a psychiatrist because each has the tremendous love and support of 13 other women. Of course, most of the time they just have a grand time and are there to whoop it up for all of the celebrations in life—their children’s weddings, grandchildren, new business ventures, successes, birthday parties, and anniversaries. The book club ensures that, no matter what happens, they will all be there for each other. An insurance policy for loneliness.
If you don’t already have this sort of powerful and supportive group, now is the time to start one. Create your own or join an existing club. Once you find the right group, stick with it like glue. Closeness and trust will build over time.