TIP 5
ESTABLISH BIG BOUNDARIES
The way in which a person loses their true goodness is just like the way that trees are destroyed by the ax. Cut down day after day, how can the mind, any more than the tree, retain its beauty or continue to live.
It is almost impossible to be successful without firm and clear boundaries. We naturally respect people who have strong boundaries. Boundaries are simply the things people can’t do to you, lines that will protect you and allow you to be your best. For example, most people have in place the boundary that it is not okay for anyone to hit them. Now we know that some folks don’t even have this boundary in place—we’ve heard about or know people who stay in abusive relationships for whatever reason. These people are missing the basic boundary, “You can’t hit me.” Okay, let’s assume you have this boundary in place and people don’t hit you. Do people yell at you? Well, that is only one level out from hitting—not a whole lot of protection. You need to expand your boundary from, “People can’t hit me,” to, “People can’t yell at me.” Not even your boss and certainly not your lover or spouse.
Susan, a sales assistant at a retail shop, was having a tough time with an extremely demanding boss who thought nothing of blowing off steam by ranting and raving at her subordinates. She would yell at Susan for making even the smallest error. Susan also allowed her colleagues to tease her about her Midwestern expressions and accent. All of this is a simple case of missing boundaries. Once Susan decided it was no longer acceptable for people to yell at her, make her the butt of a joke, or take advantage of her, everything began to turn around. Her colleagues stopped teasing her, and things really seemed to be turning around. She got a big promotion at work to sales executive because now her boss, her colleagues, and even her clients had more respect for her. How did she do this? She simply informed them, using the four-step communication model in Tip 6.
Boundaries work equally well at home. A client’s boyfriend had a hot temper, and he would get angry on occasion and yell at her. She thought this was normal and something that had to be tolerated. I asked her to expand her boundary. It was not okay for him to yell at her for any reason. She explained to him that she loved him and would never intentionally harm him or hurt him in any way. The only reason he should be angry with her was if she intentionally tried to hurt him. So if she was 10 minutes late for a date, he could let her know it bothered him without being angry or yelling. At first he was still used to his old ways, and so of course he started to yell when he was upset with her. She calmly informed him that he was yelling at her and asked him how much longer he needed to be angry. Five minutes? Thirty minutes? She’d be back when he calmed down. He realized how silly it was and started to laugh.
Once you have this boundary in place and you find that people don’t yell at you, try expanding it even further so that people can’t give you unsolicited criticism, or make derogatory remarks or jokes at your expense. Even if these remarks are meant in fun, they aren’t funny. This type of comment hurts and just isn’t acceptable. Derogatory jokes and comments diminish you, taking away your energy and reducing your ability to attract the things you want in life. Do not allow this!
Now you are probably thinking, “This sounds great, but what do you do when someone yells at you or shows up late or takes advantage of you?” You know this is your new boundary, but how do they know? It’s simple, you just need to learn how to protect yourself gracefully. So read on.