getting your teen up in the morning

strategies for eliminating the daily fight from the morning routine

Here's the Problem

I'm guessing that like most parents you harbor sweet memories of early-morning rituals with your four-year-old, now a teenager. Mornings used to be full of cuddling, making goo-goo eyes, and whispering “I love you” in each other's ears. Now, “I love you” becomes “I hate you, leave me alone!” as you cajole, then nudge, then outright scream for your teen to get out of his damn bed!

I work with many parents who complain that their entire day is ruined by the early-morning battles with their teens to get them up for school. Their teen eventually gets up and gets out the door, none the worse for wear. But it's the parents who are left with the “battle scars,” missing their train into the city and being late for work…again, making their other children late for school…again, running out to the car pool driver and apologizing for their teen's lateness…again, and the worst, spending the entire day with knots in their stomachs after another morning of screaming and yelling. This is no way to live.

If you are a parent who looks toward your teen's future, then solving the wake-up problem should be very important to you. My college students cite this as the hardest task as a freshman—getting up and getting to class on time. Those students whose parents took on the onus for getting them up and out are at a complete loss when they get to college. They haven't developed their own strategies for taking on this responsibility. This is something you need to start now.

Why It's a Problem

As teens enter puberty, their biological or circadian clocks set themselves back a few hours, preparing for the longer days of adulthood and the need for less sleep. This means that their bodies and minds might not be ready for sleep until 11 p.m. Here's the kicker: Though their minds and bodies say, “Stay awake,” that one foot still in childhood is saying, “You need nine hours of sleep a night for the brain to do all its work.” Therein lies the contradiction. We see how exhausted and out of sorts they are in the morning, and we know that if they would just go to bed earlier, this whole problem would be solved. Ah, if it were only that easy.

Many parents still try to enforce a bedtime and require their teens to be in bed by 9:30, knowing that will get them the required nine hours. This sensible bedtime can actually be the culprit. Remember that a waking-up issue is directly related to a falling-asleep issue. If the brain isn't ready to shut down at 9:30, then this too-early bedtime can send them into presleep anxiety, worried they will be unable to fall asleep. And of course, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Another cause of sleeping and waking issues is that teen brains can be overstimulated before bed; cellphones, laptops, and iPads used in bed give the brain a mixed message. Using those devices requires an active brain. To sleep, you need a quiet brain.

Here's the Solution

In order to know how to work on the “getting up,” you need to look at the “going to sleep.” For one week, observe the evening habits of your teen. Stay up as late as he does. What's he doing an hour before he shuts off the lights? Is he texting in bed, on Facebook, or playing video games? Check your phone records. Is there texting after lights out? During this weeklong observation period, refrain from commenting or giving advice; this is just a time to take notes. Also, keep tabs on the morning wake-up ritual. How many times did you need to give the wake-up nudge? How long exactly did the whole process take from initially entering his room, to getting him dressed, fed, and out the door?

Now at least you have some data and hopefully some proof positive that something your teen is doing before bed is affecting his ability to start the day with a smile—if only! Next, share this research with your teen. The conversation will go like this: “Over the past week, I've noticed that you're up quite late, texting and on Facebook or playing games on your computer or phone. I get how important that is to you. I've also noticed that staying up past 11 makes it that much harder for you to get up in the morning, and that's become a problem for both of us.” Present your data. This is an important piece. Your teen is not at all motivated to change what he's doing and will most likely say that none of this is a problem.

At this point it's time for you and your teen to come up with a plan that addresses your research. Come up with a time when all electronics “leave the building.” Ideally this would be 30 to 60 minutes before bedtime. Remember, these devices belong to you. If your teen “chooses” to fight you on this, then you can “choose” to get rid of them altogether. TV and music are exempt. These are more passive activities that often provide a calming influence.

That's the going to sleep part. Now we get to the waking up. Most important, you need to let your teen know what you're willing to do to help and what you're no longer willing to do. Set whatever limits feel right for you. Perhaps you're willing to do an initial wake-up before you go downstairs, and then maybe come up once for a second wake-up call. What you should not be willing to do is take abuse or make it your life's work to get your teen out of bed in the morning. This is something that is extremely important to impart to your teen. This conversation should always start with “I get how hard it is getting up in the morning. School starts early and you're not a morning person. But we need to find something that works, because I won't be fighting you on this every morning. Those days are over, so we need to work this out.”

Perhaps some kind of incentive might help. Everyone needs motivation, and getting up and going to school is not motivating. Maybe for every morning your teen gets up without fighting, you'll pay to download music. Or maybe he starts with a kitty of $25 for weekend spending money. For every morning he doesn't get up on time you deduct $5. If the weekend comes and he has no money, so be it! If you have a girl, maybe reward her with a Friday afternoon manicure or pedicure for a week of waking up on time.

You and your teen should come up with an action plan that includes wake-up calls, alarm clocks, your texts from the kitchen, or hiring a mariachi band to play under his window (just kidding about the mariachi band). If he misses the bus or car pool, or you need to leave, there's no ride from you. If that results in detention for being late to school, that's life! Teens need to feel the consequences of their actions. They may have to walk or call a cab. But do not rescue!

Relationships are reciprocal. If the morning has gone badly and your teen has been particularly angry and abusive, then later in the day when he comes to you for rides, money, laundry, etc., a calm “I would, I love doing things for you, but your lack of effort this morning on getting up and out has made it impossible for me to do that for you today. Let's try again tomorrow.” For tomorrow is another day!