teen self-absorption

my teen the narcissist

Here's the Problem

At my seminars and in my coaching sessions, parents often ask, “Is it unrealistic to expect that my teen gets me? How about our hard day at work, and keeping up with the schedules and activities of our three children, and taking care of an aging parent?” How hard is it for them to understand that parents are also stressed to the max and can't always be available to “take me, show me, buy me”? The short answer is it's very hard. Your teen is a narcissist, plain and simple. But don't worry. It's not a lifetime personality disorder, just a short-term one.

Why It's a Problem

Your teen's brain is exploding with new connections. In fact, the number of new connections that are made in the brain during adolescence is equal to the number of new connections made during the first 18 months of life. That's a lot of brain activity to process. Just as a computer crashes when you try to keep too many applications open, so does the teenage brain. Teens are too busy trying to process, file away, or send to trash all the input from their day. Because they are seeing and feeling the world in a whole new way, they're often overwhelmed. This comes across as self-centered, disinterested, and dismissive. Your teen is in the center of his world, and right now you are a bit player, lost in the chorus. Like all good narcissists, teens see your woes only in relation to their own. So rather than be sympathetic to your long workday and commute, your teen jumps on you as soon as you walk in the door with, “Where have you been? I need you to ____.” No hug. No “Hi, how was your day? You look tired. Sit down and let me rub your feet.”

In a recent coaching session, a mom told me that her husband had gotten laid off from his lucrative job. They had a large, comfortable home with all the amenities that the kids had grown up with. Because of the job loss, they had to sell that home and move to a new community and rent a much smaller house. The younger kids totally got it, and like all adorable, wonderful six-, eight-, and ten-year-olds, they jumped into action. Excited about this new adventure, they started packing up their old rooms and planning for their new ones. But the 14-year-old was another story. He saw this move as a personal vendetta to ruin his life. No more beautiful game room his friends had hung out in every weekend; no more big, beautiful bedroom he had to himself. And, to boot, a move to a new school. He was up front about the fact that he was embarrassed to have kids at the new house, and he was furious with his parents for making him come to this “loser town.” The easy thing would be to label this kid as spoiled rotten or entitled. It's much harder to “get” his self-centered perception of these new circumstances.

Teens are extraordinarily self-conscious. Part of this brain change is a new level of understanding and worry about what other people think about you. It's called the imaginary audience. This boy is worried that his friends (his audience) will think he's a loser now that he no longer lives in a fancy house and that his father has lost his job. For this teen—unlike his younger siblings, who see it as an adventure—the move is just one huge embarrassment.

Here's the Solution

These are stressful times for parents. Financial and job crises abound. Our parents are aging and require our help, and now that delicious love that your eight-year-old showered on you to help buffet you from the storm is absent from your 14-year-old, or at least it is sporadic. Instinctively, when kids act like brats, we tell them so, trying to teach them that selfishness is a quality you don't want to see in them. But your teens truly are capable of great love and understanding, as long as you understand them first. When you see them at their worst, it's important that, rather than criticizing, you understand. For example, in a family where parents are stretched to the limit, rather than going to the angry place of “Can't you see how hard we're working? How do you think we pay for that laptop you begged us for, or that fancy phone you demanded or the $100 jeans you're wearing? Do you think money grows on trees?” maybe you could say, “I know it's been crazy with work and taking care of Grandma. I know we haven't been around much, and maybe it feels like we haven't been able to do what you need us to do. I'm sorry. I love you and I wish things could be different, but for now we're kind of on overload.” When your teen hears that you understand his perspective, his most likely response will be a grunt of “I'm fine, don't worry about it.” It may not be the hug and kisses you want, but it's his way of letting you know he “gets” that you have a life too. When kids feel judged and criticized, you get the worst of their narcissism; when you understand it, you get the best of it.