sexual harassment

sending sexy photos is not always a choice

Here's the Problem

What teenage boy doesn't like a photo of a naked girl? In the old days, teenage boys could only find photos of naked girls by confiscating taboo girly magazines from older siblings or perhaps their dad's stash. The search for these magazines was almost as much fun as looking at the actual images. Not so in today's world of smartphones and the Internet. If boys want to see photos of naked girls, they can easily access them online, or for even more fun, on their smartphones and, if they're lucky, from girls they actually know and think are hot! Some teen girls, willingly and happily, will send salacious photos of themselves to boys they like or have crushes on. But many girls are horrified at the idea of sending such photos to boys and find themselves in situations they have not anticipated and for which they're completely unprepared. Here's a situation I encountered in my coaching practice.

The parents of a ninth-grade girl were horrified when they learned that a naked photo of their daughter was circulating throughout her school. In their wildest dreams they had never imagined such a situation.

Apparently a boy from her class had approached her at school and said, “I want you to send me a naked photo of yourself.” The young girl was horrified and refused. The boy continued to tease and cajole the girl daily to send him the photo. The girl continued to say, “No way!” The boy, upping the ante, told her, “If you don't send me the photo of yourself naked I'll start a rumor that you slept with me and all my friends, and that you're a slut.” Nice guy.

This girl now had a decision to make. Was it better to just send him the damned photo or be faced with being called a slut? I personally would have gone with the slut option, but that's just me. This young girl decided to go with the naked photo option. Of course, the photo went viral. The ninth-grade boy, so excited to share his conquest of this girl, couldn't wait to share the image with everyone on his contact list. Humiliation ensued as the picture made its way around the school. When it came to the principal's attention, the parents were called in. Their daughter was so damaged by this situation that she was removed from school and enrolled in a private school, where she could get a fresh start.

Why It's a Problem

Here's the question I bet you are asking yourselves: Why didn't this girl go to her parents for help? Here's why. If this were your child, wouldn't your first instinct have been to call the school immediately and make your daughter tell you who the boy was, and then threaten legal charges against the school, the boy, the boy's family, and anyone else you could think of to protect your daughter? I would have.

Here's the dilemma this girl faces: If she goes to her parents, they'll go crazy and she'll become a pariah in her school. To her, this may seem like a worse option than if she just sends the guy a photo. After all, the boy promised that no one else would see it. The sad part is, she would probably be right, except that she became a pariah anyway. This is a lose-lose situation for a girl.

Part of adolescent brain development is a sense of hyper-self-consciousness. This new awareness can interfere with rational thinking, as happened with this girl. In her mind, fear of what her peers might think of an untrue rumor outweighed the disgust of sending a naked photo of herself to a boy who had promised to keep the picture private. Now that's irrational thinking.

Here's the Solution

How do we protect our kids from situations like this or prevent the situation from happening in the first place? The most effective strategy is to BLOCK THE PICTURE-TAKING CAPACITIES ON YOUR KID'S PHONE! If your teen doesn't have a smartphone yet, this is the perfect solution. If your teen can't take a picture through her phone, then this solves the problem. With smartphones, however, this is not an option. Of course if they could just tell the boys to stick it, that would have been my best advice. For most teens, though, the vulnerability they feel interferes with the confidence to stand up for themselves.

Here's how to prevent a situation such as this from happening. First, share with your teen the story about the ninth-grade girl. As you start your conversation with your daughter (I'll get to your son later), refrain from getting in a lecture mode about self-respect. That will be a conversation stopper. You might say something like, “This poor girl, what an awful situation to be put in. I get it must be hard to know what to do; these guys can be pretty persistent. I'm guessing this girl wouldn't go to her parents because who knows what they might have done. Honey, just in case this should ever happen to you, I want you to know I won't go crazy and call the police or school. If I can help you get out of this situation before it happens, then we will have prevented this disaster from happening at all. So I promise, we'll figure out a way together for you to save your reputation and avoid embarrassment. Just talk to us.”

If you have a son, here's your conversation: “I get that there might be a time when you and your friends think getting and pressuring girls to send you sexy photos would be awesome. And that when you're with your group of friends, it would be hard to say anything that might make you look like a wuss, like saying that pressuring girls to send nude photos of themselves is disrespectful. I just want you to know that once that happens and photos have been received from a girl and passed on, you're part of it. You're now open to charges of disseminating child pornography and can be arrested. If someone leaves their phone on the kitchen table, or in the school cafeteria, or on the sink when they go in the shower, and someone picks it up and looks at pictures and texts and your name or contact is anywhere in that mix, you are implicated. And besides the obvious legal ramifications, IT'S JUST WRONG!”

Who knew that smartphones would become mobile Penthouses and Playboys, using our sons and daughters as their models? Prevention is the best protection. Your job is to educate and prepare your kids for situations for which they have absolutely no experience.

Encouraging your kids to come to you before a situation gets out of control is the ultimate goal. Let them know that you'll promise to stay calm in the face of chaos.