getting to know your teen's drinking personality
what motivates your teen to drink or do drugs?
Here's the Problem
Adolescence is a time of life that's full of experimentation. Teens are literally seeing the world and all its options through a new brain. The beer in the refrigerator, the vodka in the liquor cabinet, or those funny little cigarettes some of their friends may be smoking are suddenly of great interest. In childhood, they were puzzled about why grown-ups drank something that tasted so “yucky.” Now they understand that it's less about the taste and more about the way it makes you feel. For a teen who lives in a brain built for wild and crazy emotional moments, drugs and alcohol are a perfect gateway for those experiences.
In order for parents to help their teen navigate through the minefield of drugs and alcohol and stay safe, they need to understand their teen's personality and what drives this behavior. This process is not a “one size fits all.” If parents don't understand the unique and underlying motivation for their teen's experimentation, then advice and consequences will be ineffective. Who's your teen?
Why It's a Problem
The Risk Taker. When these teens were three-year-olds, they ran instead of walked. These kids showed no fear. A big slide, a climb to the highest rung of the monkey bars, straight downhill on a pair of skis, roller coasters, scary movies, you name it, they're always game. This is what makes being around them so much fun and, of course, terrifying. Your parent mantra: BE CAREFUL!!!
These teens’ brains have turned into a risk-taking machine, and the drive for dangerous fun is a powerful motivator. Now it's not steep slides, but fast cars, power drinking, and being up for trying and doing just about anything. Obviously this puts them in a vulnerable position.
The Shy and Anxious Teen. These teens were very cautious children. They had difficulty in new and unfamiliar situations. They stuck to their parents like glue, feeling uncomfortable around people. They probably spent much of their time at home with their siblings rather than out on playdates, and they needed encouragement to make friends. Over the years you might have seen these children grow more comfortable through involvement in sports or other activities that gave them a sense of purpose. But now as teens, the expectations to be social, chatty, and charming can be overwhelming. These teens are usually well liked. They are easy to be around and make loyal friends, especially when they're with the kids they feel the most comfortable with. But now there are new expectations. Romantic feelings, flirting, and acting cool don't come naturally to shy and anxious teens, who are even more self-conscious than their peers. This makes these teens very susceptible to drugs and alcohol. Pot mellows them out, and alcohol gives them a false sense of confidence in the situations where they feel the most awkward and vulnerable.
The Fun-Loving Teen. Who doesn't love this kid, the one everybody wants to be around: fun, easy to talk to, easy to get along with, and able to rally a crowd into action. High in emotional intelligence, this teen is a natural leader who loves a good time. These are wonderful qualities that will help this teen to be extremely successful as an adult. As a teen, this kid will ALWAYS be up for a party!
The Impulsive Teen. As a child, this person needed to be reminded a thousand times to “look both ways before you cross!” This teen interrupts, shouts out in class rather than raising his hand, and has little patience for waiting around for anything. This teen will not want to take the time to think much through. This rashness, in addition to the impulsivity that all teens have, can be a double whammy and a potentially lethal combination.
The Teen in Crisis. Perhaps there is a divorce or separation that is weighing on your teen. Maybe there's been a recent death in the family, an ill grandparent, financial problems, or a parent's job loss. There may have been a recent breakup with a beau, or a feeling that she has disappointed you yet again with low grades. There could be a million things that your teen is good at masking, making you think she's handling it. But this can be a particularly at-risk time for teens. They feel bad, and booze or drugs make them feel better.
Here's the Solution
The first step is acknowledging and accepting who your teen is. Temperament and personality are not things you can change. Giving teens the gift of acceptance for who they are, and loving them because of that, opens the door to communication, self-reflection, and understanding. Here, by category of teen, are the keys to help your teen stay safe:
Risk Taker. You can't tame this beast, but you can talk with it. A conversation might go like this: “Honey, you know what I love about you? I love that you're always up for a new challenge. You're game for anything. In life, that can be a wonderful and exciting quality. Unfortunately right now as a teen, that ‘up for anything’ could put you in a lot of unsafe situations. You really need to understand this about yourself so that you can put the brakes on before whatever you are ‘going for’ gets out of control. I do worry about how you'll manage drinking and driving and drugs. I know there are times when you and your friends challenge each other and get caught up in one-upmanship. When this involves drugs or alcohol, fun can turn into danger really fast. Let's come up with some ways that can keep you safe.”
Anytime your teen leaves to hang out with friends, go through this process. Depending on what the plan is, brainstorm potential unsafe situations that might come up. Get your teen to exercise that frontal cortex, the thinking center of the brain, with strategies for safety. At the least some seeds have been planted.
Shy and Anxious. You might have a conversation like this before your teen heads out to a party or hang with friends: “Honey, I know that sometimes when you're with friends in a group situation you feel uncomfortable. You might feel that drinking will make you more comfortable. This worries me. You might feel that to fit in and be relaxed you'll have to drink or smoke pot. That can be a dangerous precedent to set in your life. It's more important for you to learn some strategies to make yourself comfortable in these situations rather than relying on alcohol or drugs to do that for you. I have confidence that you can figure out how to be in groups and be comfortable. Here are some strategies: Don't show up alone somewhere. Try to make plans to go with a friend. Walking into a group with someone else means you have someone to talk to from the beginning. Offer yourself up as the designated driver. This gives you an important role to keep your friends safe, and they will really appreciate that. There are lots of things we can come up with. Let's work together on this.”
Fun-loving. Here is a conversation for your “life of the party”: “You know what I love about you, honey? Everybody always wants to be around you, including me. You're a fun person. I only worry about that now because you're always up for a good time, and I know that sometimes that can mean alcohol and drugs. We're going to need to come up with some strategies to keep you safe, when your party-hearty head takes over.” The strategy for risk taker works well here as well. Another strategy is to make sure he has a designated party buddy who reminds him if they're drinking too much or too fast, and makes sure they don't do something unsafe. Another may be that due to a past history of heavy partying, you'll always be picking him up after a party, even if you have an older teen with a driver's license. Most teens will not overindulge when they know a parent will be the chauffeur service.
Impulsive. Criticizing impulsive teens over and over again for not thinking things through will not be productive. But educating them about their nature may be. It can be comforting for them to know that you understand how hard this can be. “You know honey, I totally get how hard it is for you to put the brakes on something when you want to go full force ahead. Your mind and your body just say ‘GO!’ This worries me. Your natural tendency is not to think through before acting because you get caught up in the moment. Maybe we can start a count-to-10 rule. When someone says, ‘Hey, let's do…’ rather than just going for it, you take a second, take a deep breath, and literally count to 10 before you act. This may truly save your life one day!”
Teen in Crisis. Your job is to help label the feelings you imagine your teen may be experiencing. Make observations. Don't ask questions. “You know honey, I notice you're spending more time in your room since the divorce and that you avoid hanging with me. You seem to be sleeping a lot. I really get that this is a tough time. I know sometimes when people go through tough times they might find some comfort from drinking or smoking pot. I worry that when you're out with your friends this might become a way for you to cope with what you're feeling. I get that can be an easy way to feel better, but ultimately you have to deal with what's making you feel bad. You know you can always talk to me, but that might be hard for you right now, so I am going to set you up with some counseling to get you through this crisis.”
Understanding, anticipating, and problem solving are life skills that will keep your teens safe now and are tools that will be helpful to them for the rest of their lives.