you can't always get what you want

the demanding and entitled teen

Here's the Problem

Your teen walks into the kitchen while you're preparing dinner and says, “I need to go to Staples” or “All my jeans are dirty and I need you to do my laundry” or “I'm going to Dan's house and I need a ride,” etc. From a teen's point of view, needs and wants take precedence over anything of importance that you might be doing. God forbid you have something else to do and you politely say, “Honey I can't, I have to [fill in the blank].”

Perhaps your teen makes a demand and you get aggravated. How dare she think that you will just be at her beck and call! You say as much, and an argument follows, with your teen not getting at all why you're so aggravated. After all, isn't on-demand parenting your job?

Why It's a Problem

During adolescence, teens by nature, biologically speaking, are self-centered and narcissistic. They are often completely unaware of someone else's perspective. Their growing brains are filled with thoughts, worries, and desires that are new to them. Consequently, just managing and keeping up with that deluge is a full-time job, making them impervious to other points of view. This doesn't mean they are necessarily bratty, spoiled, or entitled. You may in fact have a spoiled, bratty, entitled teen, but that can also be a result of overindulgence, not biology. I am talking about your normal, run-of-the-mill, demanding teen. They just need to be taught to slow down and ask a question rather than making a statement of want.

You don't need to rebuke; you need to retrain.

Here's the Solution

Every time your teen comes to you with “I need you to…” or “I want you to…” or “You have to…” you can calmly say, “Is there a question in there?” No giving answers until the demand is put in the form of a question. This gives you the opportunity to agree or not, based on your availability and your desire.

Everybody deserves the respect of choice. This includes your teen. Rather than demanding that he help you, why not model the behavior you want from him? Instead of “Take out the trash…now!” or “Shut off the computer and do your homework!” try “Honey, I could use some help with the trash. Can you help me?” or “Honey, can we come up with a time you'll get off the computer and do your homework?” You'll still get resistance, but it will serve a greater goal. There's nothing more fun for a teen than to catch his parent being a hypocrite. At least now when your teen demands something from you and you tell him you won't respond to demands, he can't throw this in your face: “Well, you just demand things of me. You never ask me nicely. Why should I have to ask you nicely?”

If you can see this as a teaching moment, like teaching your toddler to say please and thank you, you'll be on easy street. It will make you like your teen a lot more. And remember, practice makes perfect. This might take a while.