the bad seed friend

what to do about the friend you wish your teen didn't have

Here's the Problem

A mom wrote me the other day with this dilemma: She has a 14-year-old daughter whose friendship with a girl a year older had caused her daughter a great deal of trauma last year. They succeeded in helping her separate from this girl. There had been a big team effort from the school and the daughter's therapist and a lot of love and caring from this mom and dad. Parents, school, and therapist saw a huge change in this 14-year-old. She began to have a happier disposition, reconnected with old friends, and had a lot less anxiety and misery—a win-win.

Mom thought this friendship was a done deal. This new school year has been a good one, with little drama now that this friend is out of the picture, not only emotionally, but physically as well, having moved on to an alternative high school for teens with attitude and behavioral issues. Everybody breathed a sigh of relief. And then, there was a request from her daughter last weekend to go to a semiformal dance a few towns away with a friend Mom loves…and the girl from last year who had caused her daughter so much angst! Mom was shocked. She thought this girl was gone and forgotten. But here she was again! Mom had been keeping up with this girl—and her drug- and alcohol-fueled partying escapades—by reading her daughter's Facebook.

There was a simple answer to this request from her daughter: NO. Mom understood her daughter's disappointment, but her decision was firm. Her daughter did not understand and was furious. She pulled out the “you're the worst parents ever” line, which is a surefire guilt producer. The parents wondered whether they were the worst parents ever. Mom wrote, “She seems to gravitate to these kids because they ‘accept’ her. She doesn't have a huge group of friends, and she's trying to make new ones but is having trouble. These troubled kids all accept her, because misery loves company. Help!”

Why It's a Problem

This is hard work for a teen. There's nothing more flattering than to have someone show interest in you, especially the “bad girl.” These girls or boys are usually charismatic, fun, risk-taking, and manipulative. They often prey on more passive, insecure types. They can seem especially attractive to those kids because they do all the “friendship work” for them. They make the plans and orchestrate their social life. It can feel quite seductive for this unconfident teen to have someone in her life who makes her feel so important.

When you see your teen with someone you feel could pull her into situations you think are unsafe and/or emotionally unhealthy and who potentially could have a detrimental effect on her future, your mama/papa bear claws come out. You share your “insights” with your teen, expecting her to listen, learn, respect your opinion, do the right thing, and get rid of this bum! But because your teen is now biologically and emotionally driven to think just the opposite of you, in a show of “well I'm not you,” she's suddenly more motivated than ever to dig her own claws into the bad influence as a show of independence.

A major task of adolescence is “separation.” This means developing the ability to stand on one's own two feet in preparation for life as an adult. There are some things your teen is willing to admit that you know more about, albeit reluctantly, such as academic issues. But friends are completely off limits to you. This is an area of your teen's life she feels is her birthright. Be damned with what my parents think!

Here's the Solution

The bottom line is you can't control your teens’ friendships. When your teen hangs out with kids you don't like, who you feel bring nothing positive to the table, you may feel helpless in your ability to intervene. But, and this is an important but, you can have influence, which is different than control. In the example I mentioned, the parents, school personnel, and the therapist definitely had influence in helping this 14-year-old see that this friend was a downer, and the daughter was able to separate from her.

Certainly, saying no to situations that you know will be unsafe is a number one priority. These parents knew that allowing their daughter to go to a dance with a girl who is a known “partier” was unsafe. Maybe you'll get the “worst mom/dad” award that weekend. So be it. The bigger job is to continue to help your teen navigate this relationship and help her to be successful in forming new ones. You can say to your teen: “I get how X can be a fun friend. Tell me what you like about her.” And second, “So what do you think worries me about X?” Lecturing your teen about all the ills of this “bad seed” will only make her want to defend this kid. You want your teen to articulate what's attractive about this kid and to articulate what she thinks worries you about that. This makes your teen an active participant in the discussion and plants seeds for her own work in processing the yin and yang of this friendship. Most important is to listen without judgment. When we lecture and talk at teens, most likely they'll shut down. When we show respect for their opinion, they open up.

Helping kids—especially those kids who lack confidence—find positive relationships is the bigger task. Sometimes it takes a little sleuthing. If you know your teen has an interest in something but is shy about getting involved, you can go behind the scenes. For example, perhaps your teen is a technology wizard. You could go to the guidance counselor or technology teacher and ask if he or she might personally approach your teen to join the computer club, where they are designing video games. Teachers often have no idea that a student has a hidden talent unless someone like you tells them. This gives your teen access to a whole new group of potential friends. Perhaps your teen isn't into sports or theater or anything at school. Help him find a job, internship, or community service project where he might have the opportunity to meet other teens. If your teen has a hard time in the friendship department, you need to help him gain access to a wider network. Maybe that's a job or volunteer work or a school activity. But what you need to know is that this kind of teen will not be the one to go find these opportunities. Saying things like, “Why don't you sign up for [fill in the blank]” will fall on deaf ears. Whether it's finding new friends or signing up for activities, they just don't have the confidence. The work is helping them develop that confidence.

Your teen may not fit this profile. He may be confident and engaged with a friend or groups of friends you just don't like. Perhaps they are the wilder group, or the more alternative clique that you worry might engage in unsafe and scary behaviors. The advice is the same. You can't say, “I don't want you to hang out with those kids. You're not allowed!” Unless you plan on home-schooling your teen, they will be seeing those kids every day at school, eating lunch together, and hanging out. Telling your teen, “You're not allowed” when you truly have no power to say that makes you look ineffectual. Better the devil you know than the one you don't. Invite these teens to your house and get to know them. You'll have much more influence with your teen when you're making judgments about his friends if they're based on actual experience. Control what you can. Use supervision and withholding permission for activities that are unsafe.

Navigating and understanding friendship is the work of adolescence. Part of that process is going to the buffet of friends and trying out some new “dishes.” Ultimately this work influences who we let into our lives and how we do it.