puh-leez…no lecture

Here's the Problem

I'm sure this takes place in your household at least once a day. Your teen says something provocative, narcissistic, or naive. Thinking that you need to “set him straight,” you respond with a lecture about why what he said is unrealistic. I worked with a couple that was regularly getting hooked into these kinds of conversations with their 15-year-old son. Their relationship with him was deteriorating. They were frustrated with his inability to be realistic, and he was frustrated with their inability to understand him. He would regularly announce his plans for “when he grew up” or taunt his parents’ political views or accuse them of being hypocrites about their lifestyle. I don't remember exactly what he wanted to do, but the conversation went something like this:

Teen: I want to be a rock star!

Parent: How can you be a rock star if you don't play the guitar, can't sing, and hate to practice or put time into anything?

Teen: You just don't understand that music is my passion!

Why It's a Problem

Adolescence is about fantasy. It's about seeing all the new possibilities that life has to offer. It's about idealism and unrealistic expectations. For the first time in their lives, they're thinking with a new brain that literally floods them with endless thoughts, ideas, and plans, most of which they will discard naturally as they experience life. They actually don't need your “realism” because they'll find out for themselves from living life and from experiencing disappointment and disillusionment when real life doesn't imitate fantasy life. In some ways teens are playing the “dress-up” games of early childhood. They're metaphorically trying on those cowboy or princess costumes. They'll eventually outgrow the games and get on with life.

Another couple I worked with made the mistake of taking every conversation or idea their teen had as a reality that needed a plan. So when their teen said she loved to bake, they lectured her about applying to culinary school and what a career in baking would be like. Truthfully, she just liked baking brownies. Every time their teen expressed an interest or a musing about something, they felt it was their responsibility to act on it and “show her the way.” Their teen stopped talking to them, sick of having to listen to them be so serious about a future that was many years away.

Here's the Solution

You don't need to be worried or feel the need to tell them how it really is. They'll figure it out on their own. Your job is just to say, “Yeah, I get how much fun that would be” or “Great goal. Let me know how I can help” or “I'm not sure I agree, but I understand why you would think that.” Your kids are just thinking out loud. The edit button is not firmly in place yet. Most of us have silly things in our head or fantasies about winning the lottery or Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes, but we keep those thoughts to ourselves. Otherwise people would think we're nuts! If you don't give them the room and the opportunity to say things out loud, free of judgment and criticism, you run the risk that they will anticipate your “discouraging word” and shut you out. If you do give them “editorial freedom,” eventually they'll ask for your help and your opinion. They'll value it because you have allowed them the opportunity to give voice to their own thoughts. Teens are playing out all the options and choices they will have to make over the next 10 years. The operative word is “play.” Don't “show” them how to finish a puzzle. Give them the pieces and let them figure it out!