keeping your teens safe if or when they choose to drink

a successful strategy

Here's the Problem

No parent is prepared for the first time his or her teen is caught drinking. You have lectured till you were blue in the face about how dangerous drinking is. One parent, the child of an alcoholic herself—with a brother who's an addict—had conversation after conversation with her teen about the dangers of addiction and the possibility of genetic addiction for him should he become a drinker or drug user. She thought that she had done a brilliant job of putting the fear of God into her 15-year-old! Like many parents, she was naive and hadn't yet “teen-proofed” her home. This process involves locking up any and all temptations, including beer and wine as well as all the prescription drugs. Where else do you think teens get their booze? One evening she came home unexpectedly and found her 15-year-old with a beer. “It felt like a PTSD reaction after all I had gone through with my family,” she recalls. Many parents have had or will have the same reaction, an OMG moment: “Is this the beginning of my child's downward spiral into alcohol abuse?”

Why It's a Problem

Okay, this is a deep-breath moment. I don't care how much and for how long you have been warning your teens about the ills of alcohol and drugs. This DOES NOT temper their curiosity. It may delay it, which honestly I think was the case for this 15-year-old. Most kids are presented with plenty of opportunity well before they're 15 to drink or try drugs. Some succumb to the temptation either at a house party, hanging in the park with their friends, or at a sleepover. Most teens have been dreaming of this “first.” Adolescence is a time of many “firsts.” First experiences with romance and sex, first experiences with parties free from parental supervision, and definitely the big “firsts,” alcohol and drugs. Their new teenage brain has alerted them to all the possibilities of life. They want to know what the big deal is with this alcohol and drug stuff. They've heard all kinds of stories: bad ones from their parents and “awesome” ones from older siblings, other kids, and the media. Frankly, it would be more shocking to me if a teen weren't curious.

Here's the Solution

How you react to this first experience will be the foundation for whatever else happens with your teen regarding drugs and alcohol. So you want to take your time and not just react with anger, disappointment, and punishment. If you go to that place, then your teen will go further underground, avoiding you and lying, something you want to avoid at all costs. Here's what you can do when that “first time” happens.

In a loving, calm tone, say, “Honey, first of all I'm sorry we left the booze in the house. I think it was a temptation we didn't give enough thought to. Having it so available, along with your curiosity and desire to try it, is a bad combination. I am sorry we put you in that position.” This helps to start a conversation from a supportive place rather than an angry place. Your teen will be more likely to actually talk with you. If you caught your son or daughter boozed up, but not on alcohol from your home, wait until the morning, skip that first part and start with, “Tell us what happened, how you decided to drink. Have you tried it before?” Promise there will be no punishment and that you just want to help with better decision making, and this will help you do that. Hopefully you'll get some more information here; then you can say, “I get that you are going to be in situations where alcohol and drugs will be available to you. I know we've talked to you about how dangerous starting to use this stuff is, but I also know that doesn't help in the moment when you have the booze or drugs right there in your face. That's really a hard moment. Let's try to come up with some strategies that will help you in those times.”

At this point you should come up with actual scenarios where your teen might be facing this dilemma—parties, sleepovers, hang time with friends—and what to say or do to avoid feeling pressured into getting drunk or high. “I can't! My parents drug-test me or smell my breath and check my eyes. It's like living with cops!” Or “I'm on allergy medication and alcohol makes me puke.” Provide a script and a way out that saves face. Most kids do things they know are wrong because they don't know what else to do. And most important, lock up everything in your house!

For many teens, though, who aren't anxious or pressured, experimenting with drugs and alcohol is the goal. They aren't looking for a way to get out of the situation gracefully. The reality is that even with a lot of due diligence like locking up your alcohol and calling houses to make sure that parents are home, and even with parents home, kids drink. That does not mean that there's nothing you can do or that you're completely powerless. Parents who say nothing either because they just don't want to deal with it, hate conflict, or have a “kids will be kids” attitude are sending their kids a very powerful message. Go. Do. Just don't let us find out about it. Teens who get this message have no motivation to set any limits on themselves. These are the teens who drink too much too fast and often find themselves passed out in a pool of vomit in someone's basement. That said, teens who get a consistently strong message that drinking can be dangerous and harmful to the brain and can put you in compromising and scary sexual situations will probably still drink too. Here's the difference: The repetitive and annoying lecture you give every time your teen leaves the house is somewhere in his brain. So yes, maybe he downs a beer or two, or a shot or two. But most likely your annoying voice in his head might save him from downing a six-pack of beer or eight shots of booze. Your boring, seemingly meaningless lectures niggle at the back of your teen's brain, and that could save his life. Please don't just give up the ship here. Everything you say or do will have purpose and meaning as long as it's said in a loving and nurturing tone. That is the key. Don't set up a challenge by saying something like, “If I find out that you use drugs or alcohol, you'll be grounded!” This kind of comment just pushes your teen to do it but not to get caught.

Your kids will make mistakes, many of them. It doesn't make them bad kids. They need to know that you're on top of this stuff, that you know that the opportunities are out there, and that you want to help them make safe decisions. Consequences such as being grounded for a weekend are fine, but don't go overboard and ground them for a month or longer. It won't work and it will just make them angry with you and shut down the communication that's absolutely the most important part of this. If they think their parents are always disappointed in them, they won't turn to you for help. And you want them to come to you. Who else is there?