a teenage girl's painful lesson
a private photo goes public
Here's the Problem
It may seem like only yesterday that your biggest problem with your teen's having a cellphone was ripping it out of her grabby little hands so she could go to sleep without it. Today, it's the newly discovered thrill of using a smartphone to take naked photos, send texts about oral sex, or have phone sex at bedtime. You probably never anticipated that your daughter would be using her phone in this way. The only training or initiation you might have had with her about her new phone was how to actually use it (and more than likely, she picked that up quicker than you did). I'm guessing you never had a conversation about sending provocative photos or language, how quickly things can get out of hand, and what the consequences could be. I'm betting you didn't let your teen know that once she pushes the send button, she has lost control over anything and everything she's shared with other people. But why would you? You were just so happy to have a dependable form of communication between you and your teen, naively thinking that the phone would be used for checking in with you and for having stupid conversations with friends. After all, that's how we adults use it! The following story is, I'm sorry to say, not rare.
Why It's a Problem
A 14-year-old girl decided to go into her bathroom, take off her clothes, and aim the camera on her phone into the bathroom mirror so she could take a photo of herself naked. Feeling satisfied with the photo, she sent it off to her “boyfriend.” I use this term loosely; middle school romances have the shortest shelf life of any relationship known to mankind. Days later, the boyfriend broke up with this girl, after which he showed the naked photo of his now ex-girlfriend to a friend of his, who just so happened to be the ex-friend of the girl who took the picture. This girl, having felt slighted by the first girl, then sent the photo and the following text to every one of the contacts on her phone: “Ho alert! If you think this girl is a whore, then text this picture to all of your friends.”
As you can imagine, the photo spread like wildfire, not only through this middle school but also to the other middle schools in this suburban town. The story gets worse. Every one of those kids passed the photo on to all their friends. And it just kept on going. Fortunately, somewhere along the line, parents who had been monitoring their kid's texting saw the photo and contacted the authorities. They traced its origin to the ex-boyfriend and ex-friend, who ended up being led out of school in handcuffs and into juvenile detention. Their future is unclear. There have been many mediation sessions with all involved, but for the girl who had a picture of her naked body streamed out there and beyond, it will never be over. Deciding to switch schools to start fresh, the girl was recognized as the one in “that” photo, and it started all over again.
This is scary stuff. Three young teens’ lives have been forever changed. If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: Teens do not think through consequences. They live in the moment. And if the moment is awesome, and no one has drummed it into their heads that sending naked photos to a cast of thousands is illegal, immoral, hurtful, and life-altering, they will just keep on doing it.
Here's the Solution
Your kids need to hear this message over and over and over, using stories like this one (which you should feel free to use; say you heard about it from a friend at work or the gym), newspaper articles, and, most important, monitoring. Forget the issue of trust. This is not about trust or privacy; it's about temptation and safety.
It's most important for you to open communication with your teen. If you start the conversation by being judgmental and critical—“If I ever catch you sending these kinds of photos, I'll take your phone away for life. This girl is nothing more than a slut!”—you'll definitely NOT get a conversation started. You want your teen to know that you understand that it's not unlikely that kids find themselves in these kinds of situations.
You might start by saying something along the lines of “I get why this girl sent the picture. She was hoping her boyfriend would like her better and think she was hot. I get why the ex-boyfriend showed it around. He's a boy and proud of the fact that a girl sent him a naked photo of herself. COOL! And I get why the ex-friend thought it would be funny to send it out worldwide. She just wanted to get back at her former friend; that's one vindictive girl! I also get that this could happen to you. I know you like boys [or girls] and the attention they might pay to you. I need to make sure that you don't unknowingly get yourself into a situation that could end up like any of these kids'. Maybe you have a crush on someone or are mad at one of your friends, and you might do something without really thinking it through. My job is to help you with this stuff. So for now, every now and then I'll ask to look at your texts and photos. I get that this will feel invasive. I really won't read them that carefully; I just want to make sure there's nothing that's sexual, threatening, or hurtful. I love you and I want to make sure you're safe. If the photo you want to send is not something you would do or say in person, it doesn't belong on your phone.”
Remember, just saying, “You'd better not have any sexy photos or texts on your phone” is not a strategy. Kids learn through repetition. You can't have the talk and expect they will get it. They have to be reminded constantly. Don't be deterred when your teens tell you that you're boring and stupid. Somewhere in that brain of theirs you're making a dent.
If your teen has already had the unfortunate experience of “getting caught” like the girl in the story, yelling and expressing your disgust and disappointment will not open a conversation. Your teen's shame will probably turn into anger, toward you of course. She'll shut down, making it impossible to help her learn for the future. Instead, your conversation should go something like this: “I get how humiliating this must be for you. I know you liked this boy and wanted to get his attention. Can you help me understand how you decided to take the picture, and what you hoped would happen if you did?”
Staying calm and supportive will hopefully give you some new information that will help you strategize with your teen for future crushes. You will also need to help your teen reintegrate into school, knowing that she may now be the target of salacious gossip. Teens love a good juicy story. Give her some phrases she can use when she gets comments and looks from other kids. Better to have her say in a kind of sarcastic tone: “God, I can't believe I was so stupid” or “I know, what was I thinking?” When teens own their behavior it gives other kids less to say, and they'll just have to move on.
Most important, your job is to understand that this does not make your daughter a bad person or a disgusting slut. It should be a wake-up call for you. Your teen is looking for attention and needs to learn the right way to get it. Sending naked photos, not so good; being funny, paying someone a compliment, becoming proficient in a sport, or drama, or art, or babysitting, much better.