the parent-teen power struggle

you can't make me

Here's the Problem

When your children are young, they're your most enthusiastic supporters. Sharing and introducing them to your passions and interests is one of the greatest joys of parenthood. For one mother and father who sought me out, the passion was skiing. In past years, the family of four had equally enjoyed this activity so much that this year they decided to rent a ski house for the season. This is no small expense and the parents hoped that this would be a great opportunity for family time, chatting in line and on the lifts, skiing the trails together, etc.

Seemingly out of nowhere, however, their 12-year-old daughter, a previously enthusiastic skier, now only wants to sit in the lodge and “veg.” The parents, feeling helpless and angry, have this conversation with her, which I'm sure will be familiar to many of you.

“Do you want to have a friend up?” they ask.

“No.”

“Do you want to stay home with a friend this weekend?”

“No.”

“Well, you can't just stay home and do nothing.”

“I know.”

“What do you want to do?”

“I don't know.”

Crying ensues.

Why It's a Problem

This girl is feeling differently about skiing this season, and her parents are deeply disappointed and frustrated. Maybe she's self-conscious in a way she never felt before. Maybe she doesn't like the way she looks in her ski clothes. Maybe as her body is changing she feels awkward and uncoordinated. Maybe she doesn't really like skiing; it was always her parents’ thing, and now that she has this new brain, she's realizing she did it to make them happy. Maybe, maybe, maybe, it could be a thousand things that she can't articulate. It just doesn't feel right.

Along with embarrassment and worry about how others see them, teens also come to understand that parents really can't make them do whatever they want them to do anymore. For parents of teenagers, this can be a rude awakening. A “Just do it” no longer works, and there are no more “timeouts.” When a teen digs his heels in, watch out! You can't talk him out of it and you can't punish or threaten him out of it either. Whatever is behind these powerful feelings, teens will fight back, feeling that the alternative (what parents want them to do) is way worse than whatever punishment the parents may choose to dole out. The other frustration for parents is, like the 12-year-old in the story, most kids can't articulate what exactly is going on; they just know what they know. Something feels really, really bad, and they will stand their ground to avoid feeling worse, no matter what the consequences. This is beyond frustrating for parents, who are determined to figure out the problem and fix it. The good news is that this is just a moment in time, maybe a few years, and as they gain some confidence and self-understanding this becomes at least a conversation rather than an inquisition.

Here's the Solution

For this skiing family the parents began to understand that their daughter needed and wanted to make her own decision about skiing. They were able to reframe their own disappointment into understanding and acceptance: “She's not lazy, she's an excellent student, and she wants to be with us (thankfully). She just doesn't want to ski. Maybe sometimes she just needs to sit in the lodge with her music, or a book, and be very content. And we need to be OK with that, too. She's such a wonderful girl. We just want her to be happy, but this is all part of growing up and learning who she is, trials and triumphs.”

It's a normal part of development for teens to want to take on more control over their lives, but it's sometimes hard for parents to give it up.