why don't boys talk?

a different kind of silent treatment

Here's the Problem

A parent at her wit's end, who couldn't get her teen son to talk to her, came to me for help. She could see and sense that all was not well with him; he looked unhappy, seemed lonely, and isolated himself in his room. This was not an intentional silent treatment, the mom explained. There had been no arguments, punishments, or incidents of wrongdoing. He was completely shut down, and this mom was worried.

Why It's a Problem

I asked the mom to describe her husband's personality and how he dealt with uncomfortable feelings. I wanted to find out what kind of model this boy had grown up with. She said that he was a quiet guy who kept his feelings to himself. Turns out that the dad and his son had a lot in common. Mom also seemed unbearably uncomfortable and in unfamiliar territory as she haltingly shared her story. This was a woman who normally kept things to herself, but she could see her son was in pain and wanted desperately to help him, even if it meant going out of her own comfort zone.

There are three things at play here. First, this 14-year-old boy is experiencing the world in a new way. He's probably uncomfortable with his new body, his new brain, and all the normal angst of adolescence. He may be in the middle of a transition time with old friends, some moving on to other people, leaving him with a void and no idea how to fill it. If he were a teen girl, it might be easier to deal with all these new feelings. Boys and girls, men and women, are different. Period. Our bodies are different, our brains and driving hormones are different, and our culture raises us differently. A girl may cry, talk to her friends, and be entirely comfortable expressing her feelings to anyone willing to listen. Not so much for teen boys.

Second, if he's a shy guy, then his personality style is in this mix. You have a boy feeling all kinds of things he's never felt before and no comfortable outlet to express them. Finally, if this is a family in which people keep their feelings mostly to themselves, this boy might not have the feeling language to communicate what's going on with him.

Here's the Solution

If your kid jumped out into the middle of the street and you saw a car coming, instinctively you would jump in to save him. In adolescence, your teen is jumping into the street on a regular basis, and you need to have a huge repertoire of life-saving techniques. An important one may be to look at your own behavior, personality, and attitudes and evaluate the model you've presented to your kids about how to handle life's ups and downs. In this family, the boy might not have been given the tools to unravel his own feelings. Instead he's following the family legacy of shutting down and keeping those things locked up inside. How wonderful it would be for the dad to say to his son: “You know I'm not very good at this feeling thing. I know I don't talk much at all about what's going on with me, and like you, I didn't talk at all to my parents. But I can see that you have a lot on your mind. I know what that feels like. I remember when I was your age (share some stories, insights). I get that talking to your mom and me might feel uncomfortable, because I feel like that a lot, even now as an adult. But I love you, and we can work on this together.” Insert your observations such as “I notice you don't seem to be hanging with so-and-so anymore” or “You used to love playing soccer. It feels like something has changed for you.” Rather than asking questions, try to make observations of changes you have noticed. Sometimes that can help open him up.

Raising a teen requires parents to take a good hard look at their own lives. Your teen's level of awareness of who you are and how you handle the storms and stresses of life has never been more important. This can be a time for enormous new growth for you. A good therapist costs a ton of money. Let your teen do it for free!