a “friending” intervention

teaching your teen how to “make friends” on social networking sites

Here's the Problem

Do you think the dictionary has “friending” in its newest edition? The spell check on my computer keeps telling me that it's not a word. Oh, it's a word all right! I have a paltry 147 “friends” on Facebook and I am proud to say I know every one of them.

Your teen, on the other hand, probably has well over 500, of whom 400 are total strangers. But the guys are probably “hot” and the girls “hotter,” and therefore they fit the criteria for “friending.”

As adults we're well aware of the dangers of these anonymous friends. Just pick up any newspaper any day of the week and read the sad story of a young girl who “fell in love” with someone on Facebook, only to find him to be a creepy adult male predator. In fact, there's a show on MTV called Catfish that documents a new story like this every week. Watch it with your teen; it's an eye-opener.

Facebook is not the only site for teens to socialize with potential strangers. New social networking applications are sprouting up like flowers in the spring, thanks to smartphones. Kik is a messaging application that many teens are fond of. Why? Because most parents don't know about it, and teens feel freer to “express” themselves away from the prying eyes of their parents, who are often their “friends” on Facebook. This is a very unsafe app. When partnered with Instagram, teens can be introduced to people worldwide in an instant, and most of them are not teens!

Here's how it works: Teens with Instagram accounts can post their Kik usernames in their Instagram profiles. Perhaps they were tagged in a photo that a friend posted, and perhaps that photo was reposted multiple times by multiple people. Somewhere in that chain, a person might think your son or daughter is cute and want to connect with him or her. All they need to do is go to your son's or daughter's Instagram profile, get the Kik username, and connect directly. Voila! A new “friend” is made. And this friend happens to be a stranger.

Why It's a Problem

Teenagers are like “junkies” when it comes to wanting and getting attention. Their adolescent brains are hardwired for that. The self-consciousness that is so much a part of teen life comes from a new understanding that other people think things about them. This is a big change from childhood, when kids define themselves by how they measure up: “I'm the tallest in my class. I'm the slowest runner in my gym class.” As a teen there is a new level of thinking: “I'm the slowest runner in my gym class, AND everyone thinks I'm a fat loser!” Sometimes the attention is unwanted, but most of the time it's coveted. “Look how many ‘friends’ I have. Everyone thinks I'm cool and hot and funny!” You can see how addictive it can become. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Kik are attention-delivery systems! But because the “understanding consequences” part of the brain is overruled with excitement and attention, teens do not pay attention to the dangers of connecting with a stranger.

Here's the Solution

Lecturing on this topic is an inferior tool. Teens think they are smarter than adults and will either stop listening or argue that this could never happen to them. That's teen magical thinking for you. One strategy is to periodically ask your teen to go through his “friends” on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram with you, explaining his connection with each friend. Your teen might not like your nosiness no matter how teen-friendly you make the conversation. “You know honey, I get how much fun it is when someone new ‘friends’ you on Facebook or seeks you out on Twitter or Instagram. There are people out there that hope and pray that they can find young teens gullible enough to swallow any story they may give you about themselves. Additionally, they prowl these sites for information that most teens post about really personal stuff, and who knows how they will use it. What do you do to screen requests from new people?” Cue teen eye rolling! No matter, it's worth a try. At the least it will send a clear message about safety. Make sure that you help your teen develop some way to screen for weirdos. Remember, just saying “Don't do that” is not a strategy!

As an alternative, I have a dual-purpose, out-of-the-box strategy. It gives you firsthand information about your teen's “friending” criteria, as well as forgoing the “talk.” This is an “actions speak louder than words” approach. Create a new Facebook page and profile under a new name and appropriate gender. If you have a daughter, be a guy, and if you have a son, be a girl. Upload a photo to your new profile of a hot guy or girl as appropriate. Make a “friend request” to your son or daughter.

Here comes the learning piece. If your son or daughter does in fact “friend” you, there's definitely something to talk about! Don't start by saying how stupid your teen was to “friend” a stranger. This will not be a good conversation starter. What you can say is, “Honey, I did this little experiment to show you how easily you ‘friend’ someone that you don't know. I know it's flattering to get attention, but let's come up with a strategy to help you weed out the people that are OK and the people that aren't. I love you and just want you to be safe. Just so you know I have deleted this fictitious person, never to bother you again.” This method really does teach a valuable lesson. Actions always speak louder than words!

The bottom line is that no teen needs access to all these different social networking sites. One or two should suffice. Kik should never be an app on your teen's phone or computer. Make sure you are the only person authorized to download applications on your teen's smartphone, especially the free ones. You may need to go to your local phone store for training on your teen's phone.

Remember, you're the gatekeeper for your teen's safety.