finding your teen between the sheets

love in the afternoon

Here's the Problem

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. The warm spring breeze flowed through the open windows, and the sunlight filtered through the blinds. The family was buzzing around doing their Sunday rituals, cleaning, organizing for the week, and doing homework. Dad walked upstairs to ask his 15-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old boyfriend, who had been “working on homework together,” if they would like anything from Starbucks, as he was going on a coffee run. As he walked into her room expecting to see a bed piled high with books and notes, he was shocked to see this couple undressed and having an afternoon quickie!

Beautiful afternoon shattered. Apparently this had not been a spontaneous event. When this teen's parents checked her text messages postcoitus, they saw a carefully laid-out (excuse the pun) plan. They had hoped to have time earlier in the day when the rest of the family was gone, but the family never left. The couple, intent on commingling, was not deterred.

Why It's a Problem

Before this incident, the parents had been extremely respectful of their daughter and this relationship. Having no basement family room or semiprivate finding your teen between the sheets space in their home, they had given permission to their daughter and her boyfriend to hang out in her room with the door open so they might have some privacy. They had only recently given her text messaging but had chosen not to check her texts. When they finally did read the texts, they learned that the boy's parents often left them unsupervised and they were enjoying their sexual freedom in his house as well.

Questions that might be swarming around your head: How could she do this when her parents were home? How could she do this with her 10-year-old brother home, who, lacking good boundaries, often barged in on the couple? Why would she be so brazenly disrespectful to her family? And why at 15 years old is she having SEX?

Teens have sex because they want to, because they are driven to. Unless there are honest discussions with parents or other compassionate adults who might potentially offer another perspective, they don't see any downside to it.

Here's the Solution

When you see your teen in a relationship that's lasted longer than a few weeks, it's important to have a conversation. Impulsive and determined, teens are driven by their feelings, not by their brains. And with the powerful pheromones released during adolescence, they need all the help they can get. Remember, though, what you say isn't as important as how you say it. If you start a discussion that comes off as a lecture or as laying down the law—“You're not allowed to have sex!”—it will probably backfire. If you show understanding and provide some rules you can control, you might have a better outcome.

“I get that you're in a relationship. I'm excited for you. Having someone in your life who really cares for you is amazing. I also get that you guys are really attracted to each other and may be thinking about having sex. Once you get on that train, it's hard to put the brakes on, so I want to make sure you take the time to really think about it. You're only 15 and have many relationships ahead of you. If you start having sex this young, there's the potential of having many sexual partners. That means more potential for hurt when relationships don't work out after you have been so intimate with each other. There's also greater potential for STDs or pregnancy. You need to consider things like that. Also, we're not comfortable with you having sex at such a young age. We can't stop you, but you need to know we don't think it's healthy at this point in your life. So here are a few rules. Now that you have a boyfriend [or girlfriend], you may not have him [her] in your bedroom; you may not have him [her] here when we're not home, and I'll speak to the parents to let them know that we expect them to provide supervision when you're at their house. I know that you guys will be ‘fooling around,’ but we hope that you can keep intercourse off the table. I know that you'll be respectful of your younger sibs and us, and try not to put us in awkward situations. We love you and just want you to be safe.”

Honestly, there isn't much more you can do. If they want to have sex, they'll have sex! If you have a daughter, you should consider getting her birth control. Yes, you're giving a mixed message: Don't have sex! But if you do, you should be responsible and have birth control. You have to acknowledge and respect their relationships and continue to offer your perspective in a way your teens might be open to hearing. You're setting limits in your home, anticipating situations your teens might find themselves in. Keep the communication open, and keep the bedroom doors open!