TIP 72
DON’T SPILL YOUR GUTS
A closed mouth catches no flies.
If you are discreet, then this tip doesn’t apply to you, but if you feel compelled to share the details of your private life with your colleagues and new friends, you might want to reconsider and hold your tongue. Most people really don’t want to hear all the gory details of your past relationships or the problems you had growing up or even the problems you are experiencing right now. Better to save these stories for your mother, therapist, coach, or long-time friends. Your mother will still love you, and your therapist or coach is getting paid to listen and respond. Another option might be to go to a 12-step program and spill your guts there along with everyone else.
Matt worked in the fashion industry and discovered that it was a chatty and social community. Everyone knew everything about what was going on in everyone’s life. Gossip spread like wildfire, and the most popular people were the ones with the latest dirt. His colleagues thought nothing of asking him the most personal details of his life—whom he was dating, how the date went, where they ate, what he wore. Everything. Matt always felt a bit uncomfortable with this but didn’t want to seem standoffish and felt compelled to answer whatever question they asked.
It was natural for him to want to be liked and accepted by his colleagues. I pointed out that Matt was missing a boundary here: It is no longer okay for people to pry into my personal affairs. He would use the four-step model to enforce this boundary (Tip 6) from now on. The next day he went to work and when someone asked him something, he kept his answers short and simple without revealing all the details. If the person continued to press, Matt informed him or her, “That is a personal question,” and left it at that. This worked and had an unexpected side effect. People at work started to respect and trust him more, and three months later he was promoted to the supervisor position. Don’t spill your guts—it just isn’t professional.
It is far better to bite your tongue, especially in the fragile early stages of any new relationship—business or personal. It is tiresome to listen to most of this stuff. Why expose it all so soon? As the relationship develops, you may want to share important parts of your past, but don’t divulge intimate details of your life too soon. Far better to err on the side of not telling everything. Be a little mysterious and focus your attention on listening to the person you are with.
Lois, an actor, was always eager to talk about herself and would prattle on without even bothering to see if the person she was talking to was interested in what she had to say. She was always reading the newspapers and magazines to look for interesting things to comment on. She felt like she had to be the entertainer. For one week I asked her to stop talking and listen first (Tip 73). She wasn’t allowed to interrupt until the person she was with completed his or her story. Lois was amazed at the results. Since she didn’t have to entertain anyone, she was more relaxed and simply focused her attention on the people she was with. Friends and colleagues she had known for years revealed personal sides they had never shared before. She hadn’t been giving them the chance. Lois felt closer to them than ever. Most people prefer to do the talking, so if you want to win friends and influence people, hold your stories until after the other people have shared their stories. Be interested in the other person instead of trying to be so interesting.