TIP 74
TURN COMPLAINTS INTO REQUESTS
Depend upon it, said he, that if a man talks of his misfortunes there is something in them that is not disagreeable to him.
No one is attractive when complaining. No one—not even you, my dear. If you are serious about attracting success, you are going to have to give up complaining. Let’s face the facts. Do you enjoy listening to someone complain? I didn’t think so. Then what makes your complaints more interesting? Nothing. Next time someone is complaining, look at his or her face. Is he or she attractive? You get the point. While some mutual complaining can be satisfying at some level, it is rarely productive and is generally a way to avoid the real issue.
The solution is simple. Turn your complaint into a request. Yes, it really is that simple, and it is easy too. Let’s take a common complaint:
Complainer: Oh, I hate my job, blah, blah, blah.
You: What specifically do you hate about your job?
Complainer: Well, I actually like what I do, but my boss is overbearing and is always checking up on me.
You: Okay. What request would you like to make of your boss?
Complainer: I’d like to tell her to get out of my face.
You: Okay. Now how can you put that in a constructive form?
Complainer: I don’t know.
You: How about, ‘I really do my best work when I’m not supervised closely. I’d like to report to you at the end of the week with the status and results. Would that be acceptable to you?’
With any request, there can be one of three responses. The person can accept your request:“Yes, that would be just fine.” He or she can decline your request: “No.” Or, he or she can make a counteroffer: “Okay, but I’d prefer that you check in with me twice a week for the first month or two until I feel more comfortable.” A counteroffer can then be countered by you, and it becomes a negotiation. The next time you feel a complaint coming on, think of the request you’d really like to make. It helps to let your friends and family in on this one so that when they catch you complaining, they can softly say, “What’s the request you’d really like to make?”
Ed managed a division of a large manufacturing company. He was suffering from burnout and frustration when he hired me. As the manager, he felt responsible for addressing and resolving all the problems that occurred in his department. At the end of the day he would go home exhausted because he had spent the whole day listening to his team whine and complain about their problems. Again, this is just a case of a missing boundary: No one may complain to me. You really can set these kinds of boundaries with people. At the next meeting, Ed announced the new procedure for complaints. He said he was still maintaining an open-door policy, but all complaints needed to be presented in the form of a request. For example, the complaint “It’s too hot in here” would become the request “Can we turn on the air-conditioning?” It took a little coaching on Ed’s part, but soon people got the idea, and Ed’s job was transformed. He no longer felt sapped of energy at the end of the day, and his team felt empowered to think of the solutions themselves rather than dump everything on Ed. You may not be able to have a problem-free life, but you can have a complaint-free one.
You may discover that some of your friends are chronic complainers. (You, of course, are not!) Once you become a little more sensitive, you will realize how draining it is to be around these folks. Don’t worry, you may not have to write them off as friends, just as long as you retrain them. Remember, by allowing the behavior to persist, you have in effect trained people to complain around you, so you need to give them time to readjust to your new standards and boundaries. Be firm, neutral, and consistent, and most people will catch on by the third time you mention it (Tip 6).
I hadn’t seen an old friend of mine, Mitchell, in five years, and when we met one afternoon for lunch I realized that he still had all the same complaints he had five years ago. He was still in debt, he was still short on cash, he was still suffering from bodily pains, and he was still not happy with his work. It dawned on me that I used to have many of the same complaints. Our relationship had been based on mutual gripe sessions. Now I didn’t have any of those complaints and found his complaining intolerable. I casually informed him, “Mitch, do you realize that you have shared nothing but complaints with me today? I’d like to hear about the positive things that have happened in the last few years.” This did the trick and we ended up having a good conversation.