TIP 75
BITE YOUR TONGUE
Civility costs nothing, and buys everything.
Our natural tendency is to think that everyone wants to hear the wonderful advice we have to offer. In fact, people may or may not want to hear what you have to say. They may not even be ready to hear your words of wisdom. A simple way to save your breath (and your friendships) is to ask permission first. Let’s see this in action.
You are having dinner with your friend, and he is talking about a problem with his boss. You’ve been listening (Tip 73) and have a clear picture of the problem. The best thing is to wait until your friend says everything he needs to and then asks for your input. However, if your friend isn’t asking and has finished talking, you could say, “Hmm. I have a suggestion that might work. Would you be interested in hearing it?” Don’t assume that just because you have an idea he or she wants to hear it. Your friend may respond by saying, “Actually, I think in talking to you, I’ve cleared this up.” Great! Your wisdom wasn’t needed, just your listening. Other options for asking permission might sound like this: “Would you like to hear how I handled a similar situation?” Or, “Could I give you some advice?” Always ask before giving advice; it is the gracious and effective thing to do. With a little practice, it will become an effortless habit.
Jeanne, a 49-year-old successful portfolio manager, was the eldest of five siblings. She couldn’t help but give unsolicited advice at every opportunity to friends, family, colleagues, and even the fellows she was dating. A vivacious and loving woman, Jeanne had not been able to attract a marriageable man. I suggested that she was too critical and ended up mothering the men in her life. Jeanne admitted this was true—she couldn’t help it. After all, being the big sister came naturally to her. I gave Jeanne the following penny exercise to increase her awareness of how much she criticized both herself and others. Every time Jeanne was aware of being critical she took a penny from a little bowl full of pennies and put it into an empty bowl. At the end of the day she could see how many coins she had collected and then record the number in her calendar. The next day she started fresh. The idea was to see just how often Jeanne was being critical. (Other clients have used a handheld number clicker with equal success.) I wasn’t surprised to see that Jeanne was pretty hard on herself—she got 34 coins in one day.
One day, someone she had been on a date with called her for advice instead of asking her out to dinner, and she realized she was giving advice all the time. This was sufficient motivation for her to change. I told her that she could only give advice or criticism if she was requested to do so. Jeanne bit her tongue again and again. Her sisters were the first to notice the change, and they welcomed it. For the first time she wasn’t “the oldest,” but a friend they could confide in. Then Jeanne’s dates became a little more romantic, and now she is dating a charming businessman who is interested in marriage and settling down.