TIP 7
DON’T BE A DUCK
Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.
This tip will do wonders for building your self-confidence. Power, confidence, and success all seem to go hand in hand. The trick is to step over nothing. Get in the habit of addressing everything that bothers you on the spot or as soon as is possible and appropriate afterward. It seems easier to let those little negative comments and subtle digs roll off like water off a duck’s back. So many of us erroneously assume that it’s better to let the little stuff go by and save our breath for the big ones. The problem with this approach to life is that it costs you too much. All those little comments add up and can undermine your self-esteem. Don’t ignore the little stuff. If you do, it will build up, and you’ll blow up. The time to inform is right away: “Do you realize that you left the dirty dishes on the table?” Don’t do what I used to do: clean them up and say to myself, “Oh, it’s just a little thing,” and then chalk it up as one point for the good guys—me! Give up being the saint and start letting people know what bugs you.
The really “big” person doesn’t tolerate unpleasant behavior from others. For example, if your colleague makes some negative remark like, “What an idiot!” instead of letting it slide by, simply inform: “Did you realize that comment hurt me?” Or, “Ouch! That hurts.” Or the all-purpose, “That remark was inappropriate.” It doesn’t take much to put an end to these derogatory comments whether they come from friends, family, colleagues, or strangers. It takes a little practice, but if you follow the four-step communication model (Tip 6) and keep your tone of voice neutral, you will soon find that people won’t be making these sorts of comments about you. You won’t be able to chalk up any points for being the “good guy” anymore either, but you will keep your relationships clean and your confidence up.
As you start to put your boundaries in place, you will begin to realize just how much you have been putting up with in the way of unkind comments and remarks from others. Most of us have been taught that ignoring rude remarks is “nice.” We aren’t accustomed to addressing things on the spot. So, at first you will probably miss the opportunity in the moment.
One client, June, was learning how to dance the West Coast swing. Her friend took her around the dance floor, and because he was a very strong lead, she actually appeared to know what she was doing. A fellow came up and asked her to dance, and she couldn’t seem to follow him. He was clearly frustrated with her inexperience and said, “You have nothing but two left feet.” June was so stunned by the comment that she didn’t respond at all. Later she realized she could have informed him in a perfectly neutral tone, “That comment was rude.” Now she is much better at catching things immediately. Just the other day, she gleefully reported that she enforced a boundary at work. Her boss went on vacation and left his college-age son to run the shop. Filled with a sense of power, the son started to pick on the employees and drop little snide comments. My client felt annoyed, realized this was not acceptable, and firmly and calmly informed him that she did not appreciate the insinuation that she was stealing sales from the other salespeople. She told him she would never do such a thing and asked him to explain why he said this. He was taken aback, said he was just joking, and that was the end of it. June was pleased to have caught this one on the spot.
You won’t always catch things in the moment, but as soon as you realize a comment is hurtful or inappropriate, call the person up and inform him or her. For example, “Bob, did you realize that comment you made at lunch yesterday was rude? It’s still on my mind. I ask that you apologize.” Many people think it is too late and decide not to address it. This is fine if you can really let it go, but don’t kid yourself. Most people are still harboring a grudge years later. The fact that June still remembered the dancing incident is a good indication that it hurt. If she had addressed it on the spot, I doubt she would even remember it. What a waste of energy. Better to be on the safe side and inform the other person as soon as you realize the offense.
If you are still thinking about some comment your cousin made 15 years ago, better to address it now than to let it stew for another 15 years. I’m serious about this. If you are still thinking about a comment or insult, then you haven’t forgiven the person. Here is how you resolve this once and for all. Call the person, tell him or her that something has been bothering you for a long time that you want to clear up, and then state in a calm tone the facts as you remember them. Just stick to the facts and don’t add any emotion. The person may share with you his or her side of the story or may not even remember the incident. Many people will graciously apologize. Some people might get defensive, in which case you probably weren’t using a neutral tone of voice. It really doesn’t matter how they respond. The point is for you to say what you haven’t been saying for all these years and ask for an apology or amends, if appropriate. Then you can tell them that you forgive them.
For example, James was angry that his boss and colleagues hadn’t allowed him to take a special vacation trip that his fiancée had given him as a present. She had booked a two-week trip to Israel over his birthday in order to introduce him to her family. Unfortunately, she had neglected to check the vacation dates with James’s manager, and the dates were already taken by one of his colleagues. James explained the situation, but his colleague apologized and said her plans were already fixed. He asked all of his colleagues if they would be willing to switch their vacation dates, and all of them had similar stories. In the end James had to cancel the trip altogether. For three years, he resented his colleagues although he had long since been promoted to a different department. I asked him to call these people, state the facts, and ask them why they weren’t willing to switch dates. He didn’t want to do this assignment because he didn’t think it would serve any purpose. I insisted he give it a try. He called one colleague, said there was something he wanted to clear up, stated the facts of the situation, and asked why she hadn’t been willing to change dates. She simply said that she had no idea it was so important to him and that, at the time, she really did think her plans were fixed, although they changed later. Suddenly James realized he was being resentful for nothing and wasting a whole lot of precious energy. He didn’t even bother to call the other colleagues because the incident was cleared up in a single conversation. He realized he had been taking the incident personally when it wasn’t personal at all.
At this point people usually ask, “Won’t people just think that you are too sensitive?” They might. Tell them it is true; you are sensitive and would appreciate being treated with respect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being sensitive. It enables you to feel and sense the subtler emotions and thoughts of others before they even do. The more sensitive you are, the bigger the boundaries you need, so make sure you establish some really big ones (Tip 5).
Sometimes my clients confuse boundaries with walls. A boundary simply defines what people can and can’t do to you and actually enables people to get close to you. It’s the people who don’t have boundaries who get hurt by others and decide to protect themselves by putting up walls and barriers to keep people at arm’s length. When you have strong boundaries in place, you automatically feel safer, which enables you to open up to the people who respect and honor your boundaries. A word of warning: some people won’t be able to respect or honor your boundaries, and you may need to leave their presence, end the relationship, or even quit your job to work with people who respect you.
Other clients worry that they will be perceived as nitpickers or prima donnas who fuss over every little thing. Actually, it works in reverse. The more clearly, firmly, and immediately you address things, the less likely you will ever end up whining and complaining. After a while, you won’t have to say anything at all because people will unconsciously sense that you have these boundaries and won’t even think of crossing them. Think of people whose mere presence inspires you to automatically speak in a respectful manner. Then there are those people whom you are always poking fun at. The difference is strong boundaries. Remember, it is only when we allow a history of little abuses to occur that we lose our cool and come across as unprofessional. Politely nail them on the spot, and people won’t mess with you—they will respect you.
Let me share with you an example from my experience in banking. I used to be the sales manager at one of the most notoriously difficult branches of my bank, which had some of the crankiest customers in the region. In the management training program I was taught that part of giving good customer service was letting customers vent their frustrations and then trying to help them. As the manager, I got the worst customers of all; the ones my customer service staff couldn’t handle were sent up to me. I would spend a good part of every day listening to these customers yell and rant about whatever was bothering them. I decided that I’d see if this boundaries stuff would work at the bank.
Sure enough, the next morning a slightly drunk, 45-year-old man walked in and started yelling at the customer service staff. I decided to walk right out there and try my new skills. I came around and he immediately started to yell at me about a problem with his checking account. I told him, in a perfectly neutral tone of voice, “Do you realize that you are yelling at me?” He said, still yelling, “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at the bank!” I replied, “You are still yelling at me. I ask that you stop yelling immediately.” (I moved it up to step 2—request.) He was completely taken aback, muttered something under his breath, and went to cash his check at the teller window. He then went over to the customer service desk and actually apologized to the customer service reps and then, came back and apologized to me. I was stunned. The boundary stuff worked, and not only that, it was incredibly powerful. We resolved the initial problem, and this customer left happy. He never yelled in our branch again. If I had let him rant and rave, as I was accustomed to before, he would not have left happy and would have repeated the behavior. This was very interesting indeed. I immediately taught my staff how to handle angry customers using this four-step model and the neutral tone of voice. Within weeks we had transformed the entire ambience of the branch. People just didn’t yell anymore, and staff morale soared because they now had the tools to handle customers in a way that was professional and respectful. My team had more energy to do the work and weren’t dreading coming in every day to face an onslaught of tirades.
This is simple and yet incredibly effective. I’ve used this communication tool while consulting with numerous organizations, from hospitals dealing with unhappy patients to law schools that needed help with disgruntled students expecting a job on graduation. Try it yourself and see.